Front Page News March 27-April 3, 1995

Powerful New Laxative Battles Constipation

With Soothing, Gentle Overnight Relief

BLAST, a potent new laxative from the People's Republic of China, has signed a con- tract with Grocter and Pamble to rescue Americans from the colonic quagmire of chronic constipation. Described in medical literature as an "Eighteen-wheel Peterbilt barreling through the bowels of America," BLAST will team with doctors, nurses and emergency rescue personnel to identify, restrain and soothe victims of persistent anal clotting. Once constipation suffers have either volun- tarily come forward or been identified by authorities, BLAST will spring into action with rectally-administered relief. Recipients will then be confined to their homes to await theresults of BLAST's incendiary laxative action. Within minutes, casualties of BLAST's militant medication will experience a powerful gurg- ling sensation as BLAST induces a rapid build up of bilious gastric gasses. Within seven to sixteen hours later, depending on the degree of blockage, pressures will reach a level suf- ficient to turn the most stubborn bowel cement into a basin-shattering coeliac cannon.

Once relief has been insured, the afflicted will be free to reenter polite society. "Our actions may seem as harsh as BLAST itself, but it has to be done," Emergency Medical Technician Shaniel Clowes stated. "Otherwise the stool could become impacted,and invite painful festering infection."

BLAST spokespeople report burgeoning suc- cess in their war against anal affliction, stating that thanks to the cooperation of local and federal officials, BLAST has already transformed rock-like stools in Massachusetts, Delaware and West Virginia into a runny, mulch-like stew. While few have volunteered for this treatment, members of BLAST's marketing department say that this is normal for a new product roll-out. "Millions endure the painful suffering of constipation, but remain silent out of embar-rassment," Grocter and Pamble Marketing Ex- ecutive Jane Henson stated. "The advantage of BLAST's aggressive distribution campaign is that it will clean your pipes whether you want it or not."


BLAST has already transformed rock-like stools in Massachusetts, Delaware and West Virginia into a runny, mulch-like stew


According to Henson, BLAST's unheard-of constipation-fighting power is not due to any advance in medicine, but to BLAST's driving ambition to succeed and tremendous work ethic. "With BLAST, we have a product that won't quit until it's the number one seller in the market," Henson declared, adding that while many laxatives will end constipation, only BLAST is willing to spend its free time greeting consumers and in swift, sudden moves, imbed suppositories deep within their colons. "Put quite simply, BLAST lives to purge, and at $4.95 a pop, that urge to purge is profitable indeed," Henson chuckled.

Beyond its constipation-fighting power, BLAST has been effective at combating societal blockages as well. BLAST's fast-acting formula has proven effective at resolving labor disputes, ending traffic jams and loosening the gridlock plaguing many parliamentary bodies. "While the recent wave of Republican victories certainly shook up Congress, it was BLAST's threat to jam a family pack of extra-strength laxatives up the butts of all 100 Senators that really got them moving," Henson stated. According to Henson, BLAST's next stop will be the former Yugoslavian Republic, where BLAST will administer a continuous stream of suppositories to the leaders of the various warring factions until the ethnic strife subsides.

Despite the publicity-generating charitable acts, the real proof of BLAST's success remains the thousands of everyday Americans BLAST has helped already. "I first encountered BLAST when it yanked my trousers down at the Hubbard street L-stop," Chicago native Burt McCall commented in a letter to Grocter and Pamble. "I was mad as first, but my poop chute's never felt better. Thanks BLAST."



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