Congress cuts Robert Parish

Washington, D.C.--Acting on pledges to reduce spending, Republican members of Congress voted to cut Charlotte reserve center Robert Parish and apply his million dollar salary towards balancing the federal budget. Parish, a former star for the Boston Celtics, has seen his productivity and playing time decrease in recent seasons. According to Congressional insiders, the feeling on Capitol Hill is that although Parish began his career with the best of intentions, recent performances have marked him as the sort of ponderous, slow- moving program that is ripe for the budget knife. "Parish was great in his day, but in this era of budget cutbacks we simply can't justify spending millions on a guy who's unfit to carry Patrick Ewing's jock strap," Senator Jesse Helms commented in a hearing of the Senate Finance Committee, adding that Parish's long-time support of affirmative action, public broadcasting and liberal welfare policies played no role in his departure.

Clinton plagued by chronic plebiscite

Washington D.C.--Doctors at John Hopkins Medical Center remain perplexed by a large growth which has appeared at the base of Clinton's skull. The growth, which appears to be caused by a rare North American plebiscite, has already caused noticeable errors in Clinton's sense of balance, causing sudden unpredictable shifts to the right. Doctors first noticed the plebiscite in November, and expect the condition to persist through 1996 when it will either be cured or prove fatal to the host. According to Hillary Clinton, prospects for recovery seem grim, noting that a recent USA Today/CNN poll put Clinton's odds for survival at below 35%.

Boy's room declared federal disaster area

Gurleyville, ND--Leon Snippet, 12, a student at Gurleyville Middle School thought his room had probably seen better days. But when his mother enlisted the federal government to aid in its clean up, even Leon had to take notice. "Before, mom had told me it looked like a tornado had roared through it, then an earthquake, then a tidal wave," Leon explained. "We don't even live near an ocean, which shows you how smart she is." Despite repeated warnings, Leon refused to clean, stating that "it's my room, and messy is the way I like it." Since receiving a hefty government grant, however, Leon has changed his tune. "Mom never offered me more than seventy-five cents to pick things up," Leon commented. "Uncle Sam, on the other hand, is giving me 1.2 million just to study the problem."

Scientists compute the significance of t

Tacoma, WA--Researchers at the University of Washington have successfully derived a method for comparing the means of two separate groups. According to their results, the significance of a means test "t" equals r over the square root of one minus r squared multiplied by the square root of df. Thus, it becomes easy to compute the point biserial r between membership in one of the two groups and the dependent variable and find t from this equation, which requires only that we also know the df for the r. "As one can clearly see from the formula, I have exactly t minus the square root of t cubed friends," mathematician Henry Rosenthal stated. "Of course, that doesn't count computers."