Aries: (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) The stars decree an end to your annual winter doldrums. Hell, they decree an end to everyone's winter doldrums. It's spring, asshole.
Taurus: (Apr. 20-May 20) Lifelong plans to have your cake and eat it too come tumbling to an halt when you suddenly realize "hey, I don't know how to bake a cake."
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) The Heavens are sick of your Gemini arrogance. If you think this is so easy, why don't you write the fucking horoscopes.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) The stars remind you that while a snap-brim hat is key to sartorial success, it's poor protection against a large caliber bullet. But then again, you weren't even wearing a hat.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22): Hopes for a normal family life are dashed when Aunt Helga reveals the not-so-secret ingredient in her special Hungarian goulash.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The stars urge you to start getting used to the idea of life without arms.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): A life-long fascination with the adventures of Nancy Drew pays off when you're the only teen on the block to solve the mystery of Who Butchered Mom.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Scorpios suck.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Late night sessions with a nickel bag of Maui Wowie reveal the true meaning of life. Okay, so they don't.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your relationship enters rocky waters when your newfound partner unexpectedly awakens from their persistent vegetative coma.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Beauty is only skin deep, but an axe cuts all the way to the bone.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): A timely visit to your parent's nursing home afford you the rare opportunity to avenge the spanking you received as a child.