Take pens for example. Pens are everywhere, in a wide variety of styles and colors. From cheap Bic fine points to sophisticated Pentel fountain pens with soft rubber grips, ours is a culture of pens. Of course, the primary task of pens is writing, whether its signing a check or composing a note to your dearest love. The true value of pens, however, lies in their stunning versatility. Whether its cleaning your fingernails or performing emergency tracheotomies on choking friends, you can count on a pen to be up to the task.
Pens are also easy to steal. They're small, easily concealed and poorly guarded. A whole pack of pens might fit in your sock, hat or glove. Often times, store clerks will simply hand you pens while you wait in the checkout lane. Just slip that pen in your checkbook and walk out the door. Chances are, the clerk will never notice your cunning thievery. And if store management does haul you upstairs on charges of shoplifting, remember, possession is nine tenths of the law, and its only stealing if they can prove for certain that the pen belonged to them in the first place.
Now you may be saying to yourself, "Wait a second. I don't need pens." Perhaps you have plenty of pens already. Perhaps you prefer pencils. Perhaps you have no fingers with which to employ a pen. And yet, pens are so easy to steal. Such a dilemma! Luckily, the editors of MELVIN have a solution.
MELVIN needs pens. Steal pens for MELVIN.
As a mighty news magazine employing hundreds of editors and columnists, MELVIN's demand for pens is great. Whether it is through loss, theft or simple attrition, MELVIN staffers manage to run through dozens of pens a day, making this essential tool scarce for writers and programmers alike.
The paucity of office pens has already begun to affect the quality of our bi-weekly publication. Many a brilliant story has gone untold due to the lack of a proper utensil with which to write it down. Even the sales staff has been affected, interrupting multi- million dollar pitches with cries of "Where the fuck did you hide my pen, you son-of-a-bitch!" While our advertisers usually chortle at such remarks, in reality the salespeople are quite serious. So steal pens for MELVIN. We need them quick. Once you've completed your heist, don't hesitate to deliver them by overnight express. Our address is
Steal Pens for Melvin, 41 E. University, Second Floor, Champaign, IL 61820.
Frankly, we don't care what kind of pens you send us. Bic, Pilot, Pentel; ballpoint, felt tip, flair--we'll be happy as long as it's ours. Of course, many of our staffers do enjoy pens bearing the seal of a world-renowned business, especially if the pen is engraved with the name of the President or CEO. Although it may be our imagination, editing copy seems just the slightest bit easier with a pen bearing a phase like "Property of Marc Andreessen" or "From the Office of Bill Gates."
What's really important, though, is that you send us your stolen pens as quickly and in as great a quantity as you can manage. MELVIN will be waiting. MELVIN needs pens.
MELVIN also needs computers.