Both the Biosphere and its new potentate were once centers of public attention and controversy. The Biosphere was built by the oil billionaire brothers Hunt, who had tired of expending their gargantuan fortunes on the exotic cars, jewelry, and gold-plated bathtubs that most rich people purchase with their money. Touted as a perfect microcosm of the natural world, 25 daring scientists and volunteers entered the Biosphere in 1989 to spend two uninterrupted years growing food and supporting themselves. The purpose was to demonstrate to all the world that natural resources could be exploited to the advantage of humankind. However, the project failed when the selfless Biosphere denizens realized that jobs in the outside world could support them, and that Safeways offered a much more appetizing array of foods than did Biosphere's daily diet of maize and watercress. Lack of fun, exciting activities was also considered a reason behind the project's failure. As one Biosphere veteran admitted, "Without Yahtzee, Saturday nights were long and lonesome."
The Biosphere lay vacant, visited only by lusty local teenagers who found the abandoned structure the perfect place to have keg parties and take dates. That is, until feisty Ross Perot burst into the shelter on horseback and drove off the mortified adolescents. "Git your horny, drunken butts outta here," Perot is purported to have shouted, whipping the teens with his braided riding crop.
With the zeal and unpredictability that marked his 1992 Presidential campaign, Perot has transformed Biosphere into his own fiefdom. Bored Oracle residents while away their weekend nights by watching Emperor Perot do the "king thing," as the Texans jokingly refer to Perot's Biosphere activities. Gathered in a circle of lawn chairs and charcoal grills, Oracle women tend to aged steaks while their menfolk watch Perot's movements and discuss his motives. The avuncular billionaire frenetically races around the Biosphere grounds, fixing minor maintenance problems. Though the Biosphere's walls are opaque, observers have learned that Perot's prominent ears, which cast long shadows, serve as a useful tracking method. Changing light bulbs seems to be a fetish of Perot's. Last month he unscrewed 20 to 30 light bulbs, shuffled them around, then returned the bulbs to their fixtures. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," Perot shouted. "Yes, you're broke, aren't you broke? Come here, goddamitt. Stockdale! Where are you?"
Locals have also discovered that the former computer salesman's temper is quick to flare. A popular game known as "Perot-baiting" has evolved. At carefully timed intervals, a man calls out phrases such as "We need more government" or "Long live the Washington bureaucracy." Without fail, these taunts send Perot into a frenzy. He whirls around, thrashing the air with a stick and shouting "Who said that? Durn your cowardly hide. Come out and debate like a man." Perot's violent reactions always draw hearty chortles from his "fans."
However, Texas authorities are not so amused by Perot's bizarre behavior. "The simple fact of the matter is that Ross Perot is stark, raving mad," said Governor George Bush, Jr. "He needs help." That Perot is deteriorating is beyond doubt. As of last week, Perot was known to be running around his empire without clothes on. A man who once forced his male employees to keep their hair above the collar, Perot now sports unkempt, tangled locks that graze his shoulders. Efforts to lure the lunatic out of his lair have so far failed. State troopers first tried to bring Perot into custody by softly cooing that they had a balanced budget amendment that they wanted the expert politician to critique. Still wily though caught in the depths of madness, Perot resisted. Other failed attempts included having a private detective yell out that he had some "real good dirt" on Perot's enemies that he wanted to show His Holy Emperor.
If all fails, Bush warned that he would have no choice but to send in the grizzled, hardened DEA agents who stormed the Waco cult compound two years ago. "Read my lips, Perot, fire will rain down on you," the new Governor intoned. "Very hot fire." Many in Texas charged that Bush holds a grudge against Perot for spoiling George Bush, Sr's. reelection bid in 1992. "Leave the man alone," said columnist Molly Ivins. She suggested that perhaps Perot will discover a new way to govern, one that will benefit all the peoples of the world. "And wouldn't that be nice?" she finished.
