ARIES: Aries: (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Cheating ways meet with retribution when a fetching feminist problematizes your genitals with a pick axe. Seek refuge in the writings of Camus.

TAURUS:Taurus: (Apr. 20-May 20) Salvation is at hand when a coffeehouse acquaintance points out that your lack of companionship is due not to the festering wound upon your soul, but the festering goiter upon your neck.

GEMINI:Gemini (May 21-June 21) You will be brutally marginalized by the white male hegemony. But then again, aren't we all?

CANCER: Cancer (June 22-July 22) Love blossoms anew when Jacques Derrida gives you a reach-around in a steamy French sauna.

LEO: Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your destabilization of " Back to the Future II" unveils the invidious beast lurking within aging teen sweetie Michael J. Fox.

VIRGO: Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is not your horoscope. Remember that in paradox, there is truth.

LIBRA: Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Inverting the traditional capitalist hierarchy lands you a job as head sandwich-maker at 7-Eleven.

SCORPIO: Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Heady philosophical insight and an wry tolerance of the cultural Babylon gives you unique license to sodomize young boys at the Y.

SAGITTARIUS: Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Emotion may be the contamination of thought and metaphoricity the contamination of logic, but there's no denying that a colon infection will be the contamination of your lover's futon.

CAPRICORN: Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): According to deconstructionalist theory, Man's limited tongue can never properly convey a concepts such as goodness. To convey real goodness, we must speak the tongue of the Keebler elves.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Changing your license plate to XVER 123 will problematize the notion of the vanity plate. It will also free you from the long arm of the law in a high speed chase.

PISCES: Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Childlike innocence and a naive notion that the pen is mightier than the sword are dispelled when the Chicago Bears interrupt spring training to deconstruct your ass.