Local Skeptic Debunks Psychic Phone Line
Champaign, IL--Noted local skeptic Jeffrey Pohlmann employed a combination of logic and critical thinking skills Thursday night to debunk claims of paranormal insight made by a member of Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network. Pohlmann reportedly grew suspicious after repeated calls to his "Master Psychic" elicited only qualified, non-specific answers easily applicable to broad segments of the population. "Finally, I said "if you're so psychic, you tell me what my credit card number is," Pohlmann stated. "I don't understand why nobody's ever thought of this before."
Belle, AL--Parishioners of the Sunrise Baptist Church returning from a week-long pilgrimage to the Holy Land confused the congregation by reporting the discovery of "plenty of piece" in the Middle-East. "Everyone knows that the Middle-East is a violent, war-torn land utterly lacking in peace, so we were dismayed and angered by their deliberate misstatement," Pastor Robert Bernard remembered. "Of course, everyone calmed down when we realized that they were merely employing a fortuitous homonym to protect the young ears from references to Jerusalem's abundance of attractive Israeli tail."
New York, NY--Clairol's newest blow dryer promises to transform the fury of nature's most feared winds into an unsurpassed hot air current that sculpts your hair into endless varieties of exuberant coiffures. The El Nino 2000 boasts more settings than any other hair dryer, from the low heat "Subtle Frisco Bay Breeze" to the top temperature "Scorching Death Valley Blast" for really wet hair. "California is famous not only for its bizarre natural phenomena that constantly plague the state, but also for the millions of heads that sport high maintenance hair," Clairol executive Nick Desmith stated. "We knew we couldn't rest until we devised a clever marketing scheme to take advantage of this fact."
Champaign, IL--Spokesmen for MELVIN announced plans yesterday to offer an interactive edition of the popular news weekly over the World Wide Web. The interactive version will feature the same hard-hitting news and entertainment stories as its print cousin, cunningly re-purposed for a on-line format through the use of "hyperlinks" and "image-mapping." According to staffers, MELVIN will separate itself from the hordes of other publications offering interactive versions of their print publications by developing content specifically for the unique interactive environment of the World Wide Web. "Lots of magazines are ignoring the potential of the new medium by limiting themselves to digitizing their back issues," Publisher Lazarus Emile Melvin commented. "MELVIN, on the other hand, will include a What's New list and the ability to send e-mail directly to our writers."