Smithsonian unveils tribute to "Women of W.W. II"

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Smithsonian opened the doors Thursday to

a new collection of World War Two memorabilia intended to remind

Americans of the true role women played during World War II.

Entitled "Women and the War," the exhibit consists of numerous pin-

ups of Betty Grable and a life-sized animatronic sculpture of Marilyn

Monroe's heaving breasts. "We must never forget how important

women's contributions were to the boys at the front," Curator Andre

Lafleur commented. "During a period of sudden death and massive

carnage, our boys could always depend on pictures of half-naked

women for moral support." Lafleur said that the exhibit was inspired

by the popular "Rosie the Riveter" image of W.W. II women. "I

figured it was high time that we recognize those women for who they

were, and not just what they did," Lafleur stated during the debut

gala. "And those gals were sexy as hell."

New cable channel to showcase gore, violence

ATLANTA, GA -- Turner Broadcasting has announced plans for a

new, 24 hour cable channel offering non-stop coverage of human

suffering. "The Human Misery Channel," available in most areas

within weeks, will air nothing but genuine pain and graphic violence,

all of it real and unedited. "The Human Misery Channel will capitalize

on society's voyeuristic thirst for blood," TBS spokesperson Horace

McNeely stated. "If the ratings of the Discovery Channel's "Shark

Attack!" is any indication, HMC will soon be rolling in advertiser

cash." The Human Misery Channel is set to begin programming next

Monday with "Conquistadore" a weekly romp in the lives of the

leaders of a Colombian drug cartel, and "Death on the (Lower) Nile," a

bi-monthly guide to select Ethiopian villages.

Daylight Savings Time Canceled

WASHINGTON, DC -- As their last act in fulfillment of the "Contract

with America," Congressional Republicans passed legislation

mandating that all clocks be set back exactly one hour. According to

insiders, the largely symbolic act is intended to demonstrate

Republican control of the everyday lives of individual Americans. "I

thought cutting Public Television and repealing environmental

legislation was fun," House Speaker Newt Gingrich declared. "But

controlling when people sleep and wake--now that's a blast!"

Hardy Livestock Survive Incredible Journey

BILLINGS, MT -- A stalwart group of barnyard animals completed an

incredible cross-country journey Saturday to reunite with the farm

family that raised them since birth. The animals, a cow, a

pig and a chicken named Jim, began their thousand-mile journey last

February after being left behind by Jeb Barson in rural Macon,

Mississippi. "It's a miracle of the animal kingdom. Who knows the

kind of peril and suffering they had to endure, or why they came in

the first place," Barson wondered at a recent press conference. "I

sure wish I could have asked them before they were rounded up,

slaughtered and packaged for wholesale."

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