TAURUS (April 20-May 20):

The heavens are drawing a blank this week. Seek answers at the bottom of a bottle of bathtub hootch.

GEMINI (May 21- June 21):

The agony of a recent root canal is revisited when your mouth begins to broadcast snappy jazz combos in swinging Quadraphonic sound.

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

The stars warn you that picking on those around you is a sure-fire way to start a fight. Unless, of course, you're really big and you're picking on midgets.

LEO (Jul. 23- Aug. 22):

People born under the sign of Leo are blessed with good looks, easy success, and magnetic sexual attraction. Don't you wish you were a Leo?

VIRGO (Aug. 23- Sep. 22):

The stars urge you to reconsider your pro-choice stance and embrace the divine and winding road that is, in a sense, life. Actually, the Pope urges it, but who the hell listens to the Pope?

LIBRA (Sep. 23- Oct. 23):

The stars foresee a period of rapid personal growth. Luckily, most of it is benign.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24- Nov. 21):

Scorpios suck.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21):

Good looks and a flirtatious nature inspire many a clumsy proposition until you bind your generous physical endowments with a cunning patchwork of straight needles and constricting rubber bands.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22- Jan. 19):

Your burgeoning career in the field of diet and nutrition comes to an abrupt halt when you're videotaped performing the marriage act upon an inflatable Susan Powter doll.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20- Feb. 18):

The intricate poetry of Maya Angelou inspires a deep and abiding interest in contemporary African-American culture. Be sure to check out the March Playboy's "Women of the Inner City."

PISCES (Feb. 19- Mar. 20):

Love blossoms anew when you visit your spouse in the basement freezer.

ARIES (Mar. 21- Apr. 19):

A penny saved is a penny earned until you misplace it somewhere in your rectum.

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