they can prove for certain that the pen belonged to them in the first place.
Now you may be saying to yourself, "Wait a second. I don't need pens." Perhaps you have plenty of pens already. Perhaps you prefer pencils. Perhaps you have no fingers with which to employ a pen. And yet, pens are so easy to steal. Such a dilemma! Luckily, the editors of MELVIN have a solution.
MELVIN needs pens. Steal pens for MELVIN.
As a mighty news magazine employing hundreds of editors and columnists, MELVIN's demand for pens is great. Whether it is through loss, theft or simple attrition, MELVIN staffers manage to run through dozens of pens a day, making this essential tool scarce for writers and programmers alike.
The paucity of office pens has already begun to affect the quality of our bi-weekly publication. Many a brilliant story has gone untold due to the lack of a proper utensil with which to write it down. Even the sales staff has been affected, interrupting multi- million dollar pitches with cries of "Where the fuck did you hide my pen, you son-of-a-bitch!" While our advertisers usually chortle at such remarks, in reality the salespeople are quite serious.
So steal pens for MELVIN. We need them quick. Once you've completed your heist, don't hesitate to deliver them by overnight express. Our address is:
Steal Pens for Melvin
41 E. University,
Second Floor
Champaign, IL 61820.
Frankly, we don't care what kind of pens you send us. Bic, Pilot, Pentel; ballpoint, felt tip, flair--we'll be happy as long as it's ours. Of course, many of our staffers do enjoy pens bearing the seal of a world-renowned business, especially if the pen is engraved with the name of the President or CEO. Although it may be our imagination, editing copy seems just the slightest bit easier with a pen bearing a phase like "Property of Marc Andreessen" or "From the Office of Bill Gates."
What's really important, though, is that you send us your stolen pens as quickly and in as great a quantity as you can manage. MELVIN will be waiting. MELVIN needs pens.
MELVIN also needs computers.
