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this situation carefully, and agree with my Republican brothers that we can't rest until Puerto Rico is once again crushed under the heel of American democracy and independence," Clinton remarked in a nationally- televised press conference.

For its part, Puerto Rico has remained surprisingly silent on the matter, apparently waiting to see the Union's next move. Administration officials have received no response from anyone identifying themselves as officials of the Puerto Rican government, and attempts to contact a Puerto Rican consulate have failed. And while White House officials have received numerous inquiries from

Puerto Rican citizens and interest groups, they remain adamant about speaking only to the individuals in charge. "These silly pleas of innocence that seem to be coming from everywhere are a stalling tactic, plain and simple," Defense Secretary William Perry commented. "Unless we hear from the real leaders by Tuesday, American boys are going in, and they aren't going to rest until San Juan is burned to the ground."

Although officials are loathe to use force on former U.S. citizens, they remain convinced that it is fast becoming the only way to resolve the conflict. "Stopping Puerto Rico in its tracks is essential to a strong national unity," Representative Speer declared. "For if we let them secede, how will we stop states like Canada, Mexico and Great Britain from doing the same?"