Indeed, undersea photographs of the California coast displayed by Whaling Institute scientists reveal bedrock pock-marked by enormous whale holes. "Burrowing whales have already been responsible for minor earthquakes and the recent devastating mud slides. Imagine what will happen if one hits the San Andreas." Whaling Institute spokesperson Robert Stevenson declared. "For the sake of every man, woman and child in America, we can't rest until we send every last blubber demon straight to Davy Jones' Locker."
Stevenson denied charges that the burrowing whale threat is a hoax designed to circumvent anti-whaling treaties. "Everyone knows earthquakes are caused by great big holes in the ground. Obviously, a creature the size of a whale would make a big hole indeed," Stevenson stated. "Does that sound like a hoax to you?" As futher evidence of the threat, Stevenson pointed to a recent incident in which gasoline-toting whales clad in stocking masks burned local Greenpeace offices to the ground. "Who else but these devil fish would wish to harm a bunch of nature-loving environmentalists?" Stevenson asked, expressing confidence that unless whaling is resumed, even more Greenpeace buildings are doomed to fall.
Local landlubbers, armed with high-powered rifles and assault weapons, are assisting in the defense, crowding beaches and piers in search of burrowing whales, dolphins and sea lions. While many are there to protect their homes and families, others like retired miner Tuck Sabinsky have come to exact vengence. Sabinsky lost his entire family in a mining accident in which he was the sole survivor. While investigators labeled the accident a simple cave-in, Sabinsky is convinced that the burrowing whales are to blame.
"Before I heard of the sea-terrors, I thought the accident was caused by all the sub-standard safety equipment," Sabinsky whispered. "Now I know the truth. A whale ate my brother, and all of my father except his leg, which I keep in my backpack as a good luck charm."
Whalers and shore-bound lookouts alike report that the battle is going well, despite trouble distinguising between burrowing whales and their harmless sea-going kin. "It seems the blue, humpback and sperm whales believe they can save their burrowing cousins by hiding them in their pods," Robert Stevenson mused. "Rest assured, we won't stop until every Great whale is scoured from the ocean, packaged for wholesale, and sold for tremendous profit on the international market."