Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Life seems a bit less drab when the stars instruct you to prepare for a summer of love. Unfortunately, it's a platonic love, and you still won't be getting any tail.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20): Hilarity ensues when you make a guest appearance on "Sister Sister" as twin white boys.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): An unexpected financial windfall is spoiled when you and a sexy Virgo die in a hail of pig's lead after knocking off Louie's Liquors, Spirits and Fine Wines.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): A healthy dose of honesty plays an integral role in every blossoming romance. Be sure to remind your lover of their physical inadequacies every chance you get.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): A career as a children's songwriter comes crashing to an end when horrified parents discover the real meaning of your hit song "Sandwiches."
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your subconscious phobia of nylon strapping manifests itself in an inability to operate lawn furniture.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): A cup of foreign-sounding coffee and a roomful of angst will satiate your quaint little taste for pretension.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Scorpios suck.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Plans for a Star Wars-themed children's party go horribly awry when you confuse Return of the Jedi with a video selection of out- takes featuring C3PO blowing the wookie.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In a dazzling moment of clarity, you realize the inherent value of Grandma's gold teeth.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The true nature of Domino's financial success is revealed when you jokingly order them to deliver your Mother-in-law's head on a platter.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your reputation as a friend to man soars when you offer to accompany neighborhood third-graders to the R-rated movie of their choice.