News In Brief

Man Uses Big Word

Newark, NJ--Plumber Bud Terkin surprised friends and family yesterday by correctly using the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" in a sentence. Witnesses report that Turkin was discussing his estranged wife with neighbor Hal Morgan when he uttered the word. Turkin then blushed, muttered something about "talkin' like a Goddam egghead," and disappered into his trailer, emerging only to urinate and fire his pistol wildly into the air. "Antidisestablishmentarianism" contains approximately 84 letters and refers to the practice of fellating vicious Rottweilers.

Congress Votes To Cut Pork

Washington, D.C.--Keeping campaign pledges to trim the deficit, Congressional Republicans enacted legislation today which would eliminate almost all pork from the federal budget, replacing it with a hearty helping of baked beans. According to House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the new diet is ideal for supplementing the moral fiber served up by the new 104th Congress. "The people are well-acquainted with the dangers of fatty pork,' Gingrich said. "But beans--hell, they're good for just about everybody."

MELVIN Magazine Denies Charges Of Plagiarism

Champaign, IL--But all over Polynesia I found indications that Kon-Tiki's peaceable race had not been able to hold the island for long. Indications that seagoing war canoes, as large as Viking ships and lashed together two and two, had brought Northwest Indians from the New World across the sea to Hawaii and further south to all the other islands. They had mingled their blood with that of Kon-Tiki's race and brought a new civilization to the island kingdom. This was the second Stone Age people that came to Polynesia, without metals, without the potter's art, without wheel or loom or cereal cultivation, about 1100 A.D.