with the solemn dignity of the proceedings, could regularly pan the audience, searching out telling reactions from anxious nominees. Past Oscar recipients could also be on hand to lend an air of tradition to the ceremonial event.

A famous television or film personality, known for his or her wit, aplomb, and powers of enunciation should serve as master of ceremonies. To loosen up the crowd, he or she could begin the Awards by coolly launching into a wry, facetious monologue that gently pokes fun at Hollywood extravagance, egomania and obsession with image. For instance, the emcee might wish to lampoon at a well-known Hollywood couple to show the crowd that despite the fierce jealousies and name-calling that inevitably accompany such a famous contest, everyone is there to have a good time.

Once the audience and home viewers are at ease, the winners can be announced. In order to create an atmosphere of anticipation and tension, every effort should be made to delay the actual announcement. MELVIN suggests that brief clips from the nominee's film be shown, followed by polite applause. These clips should preferably depict the nominee in their finest moments during the film, reminding viewers and audience members alike of the reason why a particular nominee deserves an Oscar. For instance, MELVIN entertainment reporters understand that John Travolta has been nominated for an Academy Award for his performance in Pulp Fiction. Why not precede the reading of his name with a montage of Travolta's finest moments, culminating in the scene where he languidly pontificates on the ease with which drugs are acquired in many European cities?

In order to create an atmosphere of anticipation and tension, every effort should be made to delay the actual announcement. MELVIN suggests that brief clips from the nominee's film be shown, followed by polite applause.

Once the clips have been shown, a lengthy commercial break must be taken. Not only would this pause permit home viewers to run for a soda or bathroom break, it would also serve as a much-needed anticlimactic moment. Reading the name of the winner right after the clips are shown would catapult viewers onto an emotional roller-coaster ride. Imagine the waves of shock and anger that would ripple through the audience should they finish viewing a clip of Forrest Gump loping tearfully along in his leg braces, only to learn that Four Weddings and A Funeral won Best Picture.

MELVIN also suggests that famous actors and actresses, dressed in lavish Hollywood fashions, announce the awards rather than the emcee. Their fame and prestige would only contribute to the aura of glamour and glitz which signifies that this award ceremony, above all others, is truly special. As accomplished dramatists, they would also intuitively know how to voice their winning pronouncements with just the right mix of eager excitement and dignified reserve.

Finally, winners should share their happiness and pride with the audience through an impromptu acceptance speech. The life stories of the winners are important to all. At what age did the Oscar winner first become interested in film? What are the names of some plays they performed in high school? Who was their greatest acting teacher? How did their parents encourage their success over the years? These are just a few of the pressing questions winners should address in their speech, preferably in a rambling, nervous style that proves the winner didn't arrogantly prepare their speech beforehand.

One final note--during our editorial meetings, it was suggested that a tasteful array of song-and-dance production numbers would add a gala air to the festivities. This idea was quickly dismissed by the vast majority of the editorial board, who wish to warn Academy members that should this practice become common, agents in the employ of MELVIN will infiltrate your homes, slaughter your families, and distribute their body parts in trash dumpsters throughout the greater Los Angeles area.