Front Page News    May 8 - May 22, 1995

Hyatt will completely redesign their lobbies nationwide to accommodate the federally-mandated change. Fat, comfortable grandparents will be draped in striped cloth and stacked in corners. Tall, spindly spinsters bedecked in foliage will stand silent guard in place of the usual indoor shrubbery. Particularly ugly or wrinkled widowers will replace the stone gargoyles on the ledges of each Hyatt building.


Particularly ugly or wrinkled widowers will replace the stone gargoyles on the ledges of each Hyatt building.


Interior decorators are reportedly making the best of the situation, and plans are underway to give each Hyatt a particular historical theme drawn from the lives of the oldsters. Lobbies reflecting the elderly's experience in the 1950's deep south, dust bowl-era Oklahoma, and World War II internment camps are all in the works. The crown jewel hotel in New York will be a faithful adaptation of Scarlett O'Hara's Tara, complete with a soaring staircase of carefully stacked senior citizens. "Everything will be correct, down to the color of the wall paper. Of course, the furniture will be as close to the original as possible, other than the diapers and drool guards," Head Designer Geoffrey DeShalle said.

Although forced into the hiring by the EEOC, CEO Irwin claims to be optimistic about guest reaction to the changes. "Where would you prefer to sit -- on a stiff, high-backed chair, or on the lap of a plump motherly grandma waiting with a big hug and a wallet full of family photographs?" Irwin asked, staring off into a fixed point in space. "Aw, who the hell are we fooling. Hyatt's fucked."