Front Page News  May 8 - May 22, 1995

MELVIN hires OJ Trial Analyst

LOS ANGELES, CA -- MELVIN magazine has retained the services of pugnacious comedian Don Rickles to cover the Simpson trial for its readers. Rickles will analyze the trial solely for its humor content, leaving matters of legal and forensic interpretation to homicide and courtroom experts. Besides rating the quality of barbs hurled by opposing counsel, the acerbic Rickles is expected to frequently employ his trademark rapid-fire insults and belittling humor to enliven the proceedings. "Marcia Clark! I ask you, where did she steal that hair -- from a mop?" and "That Judge Ito! What is he -- some kind of foreigner?" are but two of the side- splitting one liners Rickles expects to launch during the course of MELVIN's gavel to gavel coverage.

Man survives harrowing near-sleep experience

TUMWATER, WA -- After an exhausting day laying bricks at a local construction site, Jim Rachetberry just wanted to take it easy last night. Instead, the 42 year old experienced the scare of his life when he almost fell asleep on his living room couch. Rachetberry last remembers sipping a Coors as he watched the ten o'clock news. "Then the TV screen got hazy and the weatherman started to sound like an adult in a "Peanuts" cartoon." Presumably the bricklayer did fall asleep briefly, for he described a phenomenon other near-sleepers have experienced -- a scary dream. "Erik Estrada was chasing me on a big motorcycle, but I could only run in slow motion," Rachetberry whispered, his voice trembling at the memory. Doctors stated that Rachetberry was fortunate that he dropped his beer can and woke up, for otherwise he might not have lived to tell about the nightmare.

Local "dorks" locked out on balcony

BROOKINGS, SD -- Residents of the Fillmore Street neighborhood rallied to the support of three local junior college students who inadvertently shut and locked their fourth floor balcony door behind them. Bob Funkus and Paul Shoppenauer were barbecuing frankfurters and munching potato chips when roommate Ed Grist returned from the bathroom. "Don't shut that!" Funkus and Shoppenauer cried in unison, but it was too late -- Grist had slid the glass door into the locking position. The three frightened young men screamed for help and brought concerned neighbors running. Groups of firemen and well-wishers initially turned up to show their support, but quickly lost interest when the silly nature of the boy's plight was discovered. "To tell you the truth, I don't really understand why all you reporters are hanging around," one fireman commented. "It's just three dorks stuck on a balcony."

Talk show host forsakes "New York sucks" jokes

NEW YORK, NY -- Spokespeople for a well-known late night talk show host announced that starting Monday, he will abandon the numerous barbs and diatribes revolving around the difficulty of life in New York. "I've poked a lot of fun at New York in the past, and I'm afraid that the rest of the country has been getting an overly negative view of the city," the Famous Host said in a prepared statement. "Sure, we've got our share of big city problems, but we also have a wonderful night life, beautiful parks and breathtaking architecture as well." Writers for the late night comedy program are reported to be ecstatic about the change, and plan to fill the forty-five minutes of program time freed by the ban with witty references to the cold temperature of the Ed Sullivan theater and carefully scripted dialogue with sidekick Paul Schaeffer.