You realize the value of
organ donation when you finally receive the liver desperately
needed for your high school science project.
Stay away from the
salsa, because hot damn! Those are real jalapeños!
A terrifying
encounter with a homeless beggar will cause you to burn your
complete library of "Miami Vice" episodes.
Friends, family and
colleagues often hurt your feelings by calling you "pleasantly plump,"
but don't worry. Everyone knows what they really mean is
"alarmingly fat."
Your daily struggle to
make ends meet finally ends when you land a job as an expansion
baseball team's anatomically correct mascot, "Pokey."
A childlike innocence
and naive belief in the good in others bodes well for your career as a
preschool teacher, but it isn't going to stop the catcalls on IRC unless
you also change your user name to "legless_linda."
Romantic opportunities
abound when you learn that most chicks are suckers for that fake-
sensitivity shit.
Scorpios suck.
Love's labor is
lost as the Heavens urge you to abandon your cheating spouse. Wait,
you really didn't know? Yeah, man -- every night after work.
The savory
sweetness of ice cream is always refreshing, at least until a massive
dose of butternut crunch gives you a headache so severe that you
pound a railroad spike into your temple.
The stars decree
that all religious observances should be postponed until July on the
grounds that "Hey! Church is really, really boring."
A day in court turns in
to a swinging good time when you realize that you're not the only
one who forgot to wear pants.
