Front Page News  May 8 - May 22, 1995

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19):

You realize the value of organ donation when you finally receive the liver desperately needed for your high school science project.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20):

Stay away from the salsa, because hot damn! Those are real jalapeños!

GEMINI (May 21-June 21):

A terrifying encounter with a homeless beggar will cause you to burn your complete library of "Miami Vice" episodes.

CANCER (June 22-July 22):

Friends, family and colleagues often hurt your feelings by calling you "pleasantly plump," but don't worry. Everyone knows what they really mean is "alarmingly fat."

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):

Your daily struggle to make ends meet finally ends when you land a job as an expansion baseball team's anatomically correct mascot, "Pokey."

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

A childlike innocence and naive belief in the good in others bodes well for your career as a preschool teacher, but it isn't going to stop the catcalls on IRC unless you also change your user name to "legless_linda."

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23):

Romantic opportunities abound when you learn that most chicks are suckers for that fake- sensitivity shit.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21):

Scorpios suck.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Love's labor is lost as the Heavens urge you to abandon your cheating spouse. Wait, you really didn't know? Yeah, man -- every night after work.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

The savory sweetness of ice cream is always refreshing, at least until a massive dose of butternut crunch gives you a headache so severe that you pound a railroad spike into your temple.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

The stars decree that all religious observances should be postponed until July on the grounds that "Hey! Church is really, really boring."

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20):

A day in court turns in to a swinging good time when you realize that you're not the only one who forgot to wear pants.