Editors at MELVIN rushed to remove a particularly biting story from its current issue after lawyers for the Kennedy family filed suit against MELVIN's parent company for libel, slander and defamation of character. The offending story, entitled "Jack Kennedy Sure Liked To Fuck," reportedly employed filthy language, gratuitous violence and crude, self-debasing humor to elicit laughs from its audience. "Everyone on staff thought the story was really funny. It used the word fuck," MELVIN Editor Matthew Nolker explained. "Fuck is a really funny word. Fuck, fuck, fuck." The gales of laughter quickly faded, however, when outraged Kennedy lawyers slapped the publication with a $2.2 million suit. "Once the lawyers saw through our clever scheme to call the family 'Keneddy' instead of 'Kennedy," the jig was up," Nolker stated. "We had no choice but to pull the article."
Under terms of the settlement, MELVIN is also forbidden to print any future parodies involving the Kennedy name or specific members of the Kennedy family. "The Kennedy shenanigans have long been a rich source of raw material for America's humor industry," Nolker mourned. "The ability to launch a cheap joke concerning the Kennedy's bizarre accents, habitual drug abuse and rodent-like sex drive made publishing MELVIN every other week a little bit easier on all of us."
Specifically, MELVIN will not characterize members of Kennedy clan as alcoholics , adulterers or abusers of prescription medication. MELVIN will not urge parents to hide their children, pets and livestock when a virile Kennedy male comes to town, nor imply that junkies may wish to do the same with their stash of marijuana, heroin and cocaine.
MELVIN will also refrain from lampooning Rose Kennedy's pampered debutante upbringing, subsequent marriage to Joe Kennedy, and recent death. "If we were trying to be funny, we might have penned a story casting Rose and a pampered family pet--a cat, or something," MELVIN writer Paul Primrose said. "Thank God we were stopped before something like that was written." Furthermore, MELVIN will cease referring to Edward Kennedy as a drunken souse or fat, ineffectual playboy Senator. "He isn't a coward, either," Nolker said. "I'm sure that had he been a better swimmer, he would have tried to rescue Mary Jo Kopeckne at Chappaquidick." According to Nolker, the writing staff is slowly beginning to realize the pain stories such as these might have caused. "The Kennedy family has already given two lives to this country. Four if you count the kid that died in World War Two and the daughter they had lobotomized," Nolker stated. "To call Joe Senior a crooked rum-runner who buggered children is not only untrue, it would hurt their feelings as well."