WASHINGTON, DC -- The Smithsonian opened the doors Thursday to
a new collection of World War Two memorabilia intended to remind
Americans of the true role women played during World War II.
Entitled "Women and the War," the exhibit consists of numerous pin-
ups of Betty Grable and a life-sized animatronic sculpture of Marilyn
Monroe's heaving breasts. "We must never forget how important
women's contributions were to the boys at the front," Curator Andre
Lafleur commented. "During a period of sudden death and massive
carnage, our boys could always depend on pictures of half-naked
women for moral support." Lafleur said that the exhibit was inspired
by the popular "Rosie the Riveter" image of W.W. II women. "I
figured it was high time that we recognize those women for who they
were, and not just what they did," Lafleur stated during the debut
gala. "And those gals were sexy as hell."
ATLANTA, GA -- Turner Broadcasting has announced plans for a
new, 24 hour cable channel offering non-stop coverage of human
suffering. "The Human Misery Channel," available in most areas
within weeks, will air nothing but genuine pain and graphic violence,
all of it real and unedited. "The Human Misery Channel will capitalize
on society's voyeuristic thirst for blood," TBS spokesperson Horace
McNeely stated. "If the ratings of the Discovery Channel's "Shark
Attack!" is any indication, HMC will soon be rolling in advertiser
cash." The Human Misery Channel is set to begin programming next
Monday with "Conquistadore" a weekly romp in the lives of the
leaders of a Colombian drug cartel, and "Death on the (Lower) Nile," a
bi-monthly guide to select Ethiopian villages.
WASHINGTON, DC -- As their last act in fulfillment of the "Contract
with America," Congressional Republicans passed legislation
mandating that all clocks be set back exactly one hour. According to
insiders, the largely symbolic act is intended to demonstrate
Republican control of the everyday lives of individual Americans. "I
thought cutting Public Television and repealing environmental
legislation was fun," House Speaker Newt Gingrich declared. "But
controlling when people sleep and wake--now that's a blast!"
BILLINGS, MT -- A stalwart group of barnyard animals completed an
incredible cross-country journey Saturday to reunite with the farm
family that raised them since birth. The animals, a cow, a
pig and a chicken named Jim, began their thousand-mile journey last
February after being left behind by Jeb Barson in rural Macon,
Mississippi. "It's a miracle of the animal kingdom. Who knows the
kind of peril and suffering they had to endure, or why they came in
the first place," Barson wondered at a recent press conference. "I
sure wish I could have asked them before they were rounded up,
slaughtered and packaged for wholesale."
