If your sinuses feel stuffed with cotton or you're coughing up salty phlegm nuggets,

Alka Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is the perfect medicinal blanket for your shivering

cold. After cracking open one of Alka Seltzer's little blue packets over a cup of cold

water, you're eyelids will hang half-mast as the patented plop, fizz sound heralds the

promise of a drunkard's sound sleep. Though overdosing on Alka Selzter won't send

you on a Dr. Who adventure like Robotussin will, it's superior carbonated lemon

flavor will smack easier on your taste buds for sure. And when you wake the next

morn, you'll tear holes through any 4-ply Kleenex with the healing nasal jets you'll

be able to launch.

Crock pots once conjured notions of bacterial-infested, warm clam dip at bridge club

parties. Now, the contemporary crock pot markets an air of pragmatism, particularly

the Hot Pot Express. In 90 seconds flat, this portable culinary miracle will warm

your Chef BoyArDee hotter than Cajun shrimp coming out the other end. That

built-in 8" chord is a double blessing in disguise. Not only does it permit you to cook

bath-side with little thought to electrocution, but it makes it impossible to wash the

pot in any conventional way, allowing you to recycle the flavor of meals past. Buy

one and get the irresistible flavor of Ramen forever lingering in the instant oatmeal

of numerous breakfasts yet to come.

Consider the convenience of a pocket-sized cardboard tube packed tight with 40

useful quarters. While other motorists back up toll-booth traffic as they fumble for

fare, you glide past the surly attendant, nonchalantly peeling quarters from your

roll. Tetris jockeys can commandeer an arcade machine all the live long day by

flaunting a roll on a rubber band around their belt loop. Singles sporting rolls at

laundromats can also capitalize on the ubiquitous broken dollar changer. Dispensing

quarters to grateful patrons is a shrewd pick-up ploy, especially for men who add heft

to their Haines with a roll in their trousers. Should you actually score a date, that

pleasing metallic rub will also impart zing and allure to your dance step. Melvin

Tip: Leery of taking shortcuts through dimly lit alleys? Drop a roll or two into a

nylon and you're armed with a weighty sap to clock ruffians with.

Having no luck finding the perfect boyfriend? Consider dating a Star Trek geek.

Courting a trekkie is a better cure for loneliness than owning a pet--not only are

most trekkies housebroken, they also boast the limited conversational abilities of a

$1,300 gray parrot. Most importantly, trekkies are easy to care for--as long as you let

them touch your naked body, you have license to treat them like absolute shit. Yell

at his mom, steal his money, fuck his best friend --a real trekkie will always come

back for more. True, you'll be forced to put up with annoying trekkie chatter and

even more annoying trekkie pals, but this is a small price to pay for round-the-clock

companionship and dog-like loyalty.