Lowly Melvin writer Dave Krugler made the fatal mistake of dissenting from the infallible opinion of MELVIN Editor Matt Scholz on the issue of whether stick-shift or automatic cars are better. Now he's forced to meet the editor
STICK SHIFT
Even though it costs $300-$500 less, most drivers regard manual transmission as an outdated hassle, something only stubborn farmers and free-spirited race car drivers want in their vehicle. That's unfortunate, because once your left foot masters the sometimes stubborn cable and pedal, the clutch is forever your friend, and boundless new driving vistas await you in your '74 Chevy Nova. As you idle at a busy intersection on a languid summer Saturday night, your date will marvel as you gently rock the purring classic back and forth by expertly popping the clutch in neutral. Then she'll melt into weak-kneed excitement as the light flicks green: You ram the clutch home, thrust the stick hard into second, floor the gas pedal. Wow! 0 to 50 in 3 seconds. That kind of shifting won't save you any gas, but it sure will smoke the pants off the stunned drivers next to you in their ninny automatics. Of course, if you willingly drive a '74 Nova, you'll never have a date to impress. Don't despair, though; neither will editor Matt Scholz, and he prefers automatics.
-Dave Krugler
AUTOMATIC
No red-blooded, God-fearing American would ever drive one of those Euro-pansy stick-shift cars. America is the land of convenience, a land where urinals flush automatically, milk stays fresh, and doing things the hard way has no place at all. Jumping into a big Cadillac, coaxing the engine to a gentle purr, and simply shifting into drive affords you the luxury of letting your mind linger over roadside cornfields- one arm out the window and one arm around your gal. Your arm will never tire by having to shift endlessly in urban traffic jams, and the only stick your honey will see at the drive-in will be the thick shaft of your own meaty love muscle. Dave is a sucker. Go automatic! Go America!
-Matt Scholz
