MELVIN Recommends Special Report

Head To Head: Stick-Shift vs. Automatic

Hygienic Devices

Designed for straddling like a pony, bidets are the fun, contemporary way to get those genital and posterior areas lip-smacking clean. Introduced as a ritzy hotel and hospital treat, contemporary rich white folks have begun to install these moist towlettes of the anal kingdom into their own bathrooms. Bidets are a lot easier to maneuver than the garden hoses our grandparents had to use, and their burbling waterjet is both more subtle and less rusty than hose water. With the aid of a bidet, your booty will be so clean you can invite a friend over to eat off it. Heck, why not call up a friend and see?

Public Transportation

Not only does riding the bus save gas, eliminate the hassle of parking, and keep you to a daily schedule, but it also affords you the opportunity to check out all the freaks. Nowhere else can you find more physical or aromatic diversity than on a mid-morning jaunt on the downtown line. From grumpy stubby-armed midgets to garden-variety unkempt psychotics, bus weirdos provoke more malicious laughter than a carnival side-show. After reaching your destination, you'll feel equipped to deal with any surly urbanite, simply relieved that they're not flashing a drooling, thick-lipped smile at you from across the aisle of a bus. Melvin Tip: Never forget to give your bus driver a warm "thank you" on the way out, because hey, courtesy is contagious.

Quick Food
Ramen Noodles

Consumed by the cartful by college students and bachelors alike, ramen is hands-down the best value for money the food world offers. One slimy pot of "Oriental Flavored" ramen coated in beef salt not only provides 2% of the daily recommended dose of bone-strengthening calcium you need, it also tastes passably good for a 29 cent snack. Toss in some frozen mixed vegetables and you can even invite that special someone over for a cheap pasta dinner. A dense imbroglio of curly noodles, ramen both looks neat and is fun to crack into digestible chunks before boiling. MELVIN Tip: For dessert, prepare as usual, stirring in 1/4 cup of fruit jelly just before serving. Top with whipped cream and don't forget that beef salt!