The first establishment MELVIN Operatives had the pleasure to visit was a family run place called the Homestretch in Champaign, IL. The Homestretch is a lodgelike building not far from I-57 and spoons out some of the most delectable grease-grub available in the Midwest. Its proprietor, one "Jimmy," is a reticent and uncomely fellow. Jimmy's family has been in the restaurant business in town since 1922, with the Homestretch opening in 1962, and also owns the Elite Diner, which is down the road a pace.
Our wait staff included our waitress Carol and an elderly gent who was tagged with the clever moniker "Tyke." Carol was an emblem of everything good about greasy spoon joints. Her voice was like tractor tires crunching across gravel, her hands spotted and worn like the underside of a fishing boat, and her eyes glazed over like a late night. Tyke, on the other hand, was a cute, lonely looking old dog who probably never took the Lord's name in vain his whole life. Even at his great age he seemed like he was always worried that he was doing the wrong thing and that he was a step away from being fired by Jimmy, whose family he'd known all his life.
The specialty at the Homestretch is their locally famous "haystack," a $3.95 cardiac arrest recipe that consists of eggs, mashed potatoes, and gravy served on a thick bed of sausage. Every year, competitions are held both on the group and individual level to see who can stomach the most haystacks in one sitting or over some span of time. The individual record is held by a skinny, chain-smoking truck driver who ate seven in one sitting before gushing forth a Technicolor yawn in the front parking lot.
Ratings:
Food: 4 spoons
Hospitality: 2.5 cups of coffee
Number of gumball machines: 2
Ashtray status: dirty
Smell factor: not noticeable
Coffee rating: average, with a mysterious speck bobbing in it
Visible grill: no
Merry Anne's is hands down the best greasy-spoon joint MELVIN Operatives have had the chance to frequent, not because of its food (which borders on awful) but because of its brute, come-as-you-are-and-don't-give-us-any-shit atmosphere. Everyone sits along side the grill--no special seating--and can watch the cook scrape grease off the grill and dump out old coffee grounds. The original proprietor was one Mary Anne Pomonis, who set forth to greener pastures in 1983.
Our waitress at Merry Anne's was the beautiful "Davee." Davee possesses a disarming amount of confidence. She knows that every straight man in the place wants her as his missus, and she uses that knowledge to make big tips. She's also brutally honest. When she brought one MELVIN Operative his biscuits and gravy, for instance, she prefaced the meal with, "I don't want to scare ya, but taste the biscuits to see if they're bad before you dig in."
Since Merry Anne's can't possibly tout its tasteless food or its impotent coffee, it boasts authentic service. In the words of one waitress, the restaurant prides itself on breakfast 24 hours a day and "attitude, whether you like it or not." We liked it.
Ratings:
Food: 2 spoons
Hospitality: 4 cups of coffee
Number of gumball machines: 8, one once stolen
Ashtray status: half-cleaned
Smell factor: reeks of an uncompromising grease stench
Coffee rating: limp and lifeless
Grill visible: yes indeed
With a name like Ott's, you know you're in for some real plains-state beef. Ott's was founded in 1962 by the current proprietor, one Ott Meyer, and sits in the withering farm town of Rantoul, Illinois. Ott's has endured many tribulations, including a fire that burned the place to the foundation and its circus variety of customer freaks, but it persists in serving choice viddles and the heartiest cup of joe you'll find anywhere.
Our waitress was the sugary sweet MaryAnne, who could have played any number of working-class mom characters on TV - including the legendary Alice herself. In between cups of Ott java, she told us stories about herself and how she wanted to become a journalist and how she wrote for her high school paper, all while a hunchbacked guy swept the floor behind her. The table of local women next to us would pipe in as she told us stories, all too familiar with the local lore.
MaryAnne served us Ott's specialty, the 1/2 lb. Ott burger. The burger is simply a good slab of beef for a reasonable price ($2.75, with cheese). The place also prides itself on its selection of homemade salads and slaws. Nothing fancy here, but its as real as corned beef hash.
Ratings:
Food: 3 spoons
Hospitality: 4 cups of coffee
Number of gumball machines: none
Ashtray status: clean
Smell factor: 3
Coffee rating: One smooth cup of joe
Grill visible: yes
