Tired of sitting home, draining bottle after bottle of Scope, waiting for the hip person inside you to come out of hiding? Not sure how to dress, talk, or mousse for maximum coolness? You may not know it, but you're probably already holding the key to the seemingly impenetrable door to coolness in the palm of your hand-the TV remote.
All you have to do is tune in to Beverly Hills 90210, sit back, and soak in a few lessons from original hip-daddy Aaron Spelling. Spelling's the man who wrote the book on the posh sophistication of Dynasty elites, the charismatic swank of Matt Houston, and the cuddly pragmatism of Fantasy Island's Tattoo. Now he delivers sixty minute weekly installments of pipin' hot image tips on 90210 that you just can't afford to miss and can't afford to buy.
Being ultra-cool, Aaron Spelling's not afraid to admit what we all really know: Coolness equals image. So get off the Catholic "I want them to like me for me" bus and get on the Spelling express to success! The first and probably most important tip is looking the part. If you're not busty or you don't have a flat stomach and small hips, don't even bother reading any further-it's time for Soloflex. You need to be hot if you're gonna trot. Being cool is an exclusive club. That's why it's called being cool. Get it?
Men have quite a bit more latitude when attempting to dress cool. Shiny aviator type bomber jackets are way-rad. Whether you prefer Brandon's silver one or Ray Pruitt's green one, you're bound to look cool either way, as long as you've got the muscle to back it up.
Women, on the other hand, are a little more restricted. First of all, you have to show your belly button. Perhaps the easiest way to illustrate Aaron Spelling's idea of a cool outfit is to give an example. Donna (Aaron Spelling's real-life super-cool daughter Tori) is often dressed to maximum coolness. Like the rest of the female cast of 90210, she can often be seen in a tight half-top. Check out her pink one with the Barbie logo on it; if you look close, it really says "Babie." That's cool.
Accompanying this belly-button wear is usually a short skirt or a pair of jeans that look like old Levi's. Get with it, they're actually over a hundred dollars a pair. And if you're cool enough to wear the skirt, always remember a pair of knee socks really sets off the outfit.
You may think that the grunge look is dated, but au contraire. Although you have slues of money, don't be afraid to make it look like you shop at thrift stores. Careful! You don't want to look like you really shop at thrift stores. The key is to buy things at trendy boutiques which have been carefully constructed to imitate old fashions. If you must buy used clothing, make sure you purchase it at a vintage shop, not at a Goodwill. These are the subtleties that could spell the difference between hip and dip.
Driving Cool Cars:
Good: Dylan's Porsche convertible, Kelly's BMW convertible, Brandon's Mustang convertible, or an off-road motorcycle.
Bad: Anything with a roof.
If you're a beginner at being cool, you may want to keep your mouth shut until you've familiarized yourself with the vernacular. Tag lines such as "Bro" inserted at the end of a sentence make all the difference, and when not used properly could cause you to look uncool. For example, this exchange taken from a recent 90210:
Brandon: How was Mexico, Bro?
Those guys! And they're not even brothers!
Styling Your Hair Cool:
Mousse, Aaron Spelling swears by it. Watch an old 50's movie and then put enough mousse into it until it looks like one of those guys. Sideburns are a to do, and make sure they're in proper proportion to your ears. If you have to have facial hair, the goatee is, of course, your only choice.
Women: Aaron Spelling is a big fan of bangs and barrettes. Don't skimp on either one of 'em.
Acting cool: We saved acting cool for the end on purpose. It really is the last thing you should have to master. If you've dressed, primped, and purchased the adequate cool accessories, having to act cool can easily be avoided. Act indifferent, disgusted, or like the person you're around just isn't cool enough for you. If they insist on seeing if you're really as cool as you look, fake a stomach cramp. Cool people get sick too, but make sure it's nothing too gross. Cool people get food poisoning from bad sushi, not diarrhea.