Matt's Chocolate Chip Cookies

Now there is a soft chocolate chip cookie without the consistency of a Kool Aid-drenched piece of Wonderbread: Matt's. Sold at a reasonable $2.29, this chewy treat is chock-full of the kind of natural ingredients you would use at home, if you ever learned how to measure margarine in sticks. Most impressive is its packaging, which consists of a grungie brown plaid package and a hip logo that belongs on the center of a raver's undersized T-shirt. Combined with a tall, cold glass of milk, Matt's injects your stomach with all the tooth-decaying, sugar buzzing you need to get you through the day.


Pilot Precise

Nothing beats the smooth glide of a well-constructed pen. It introduces a new delectation to the tedium of note taking, the rigor of dictation, and the redundancy of signing autographs. There is no better writing utensil than the sleek scribble of the Pilot Precise, model Rolling Ball. Its inky stroke is reminiscent of your grandfather's old fountain pen which painted broad marks across the yellow pages of his memoirs. Precise is the $1.59 version of Pappy's Parker, and it comes in four spiffy colors. A Pilot Precise in the pocket is a sure sign that you've graduated from the lower classes and into a prestigious career as MELVIN's Pop Culture editor.



We're not talking about a parting peck for grandma or your dog here. We're talking about frenchin'. We're talking about back of the head grabbing, saliva-dripping, tonsil-wiping, tongue wrestling. And whether you prefer captivating circles, delicate swift tongue touches, or the proverbial deep throat, it's frenchin's tendency to leave you panting, disoriented, and wiping your mouth with the back of your hand that has tickled the loins of millions. MELVIN Tip: Never French kiss your mother. She might like it.


o.b. Tampons

Any woman with any sort of ovaries on her knows what brand of internal feminine protection to use: o.b. This ecologically correct, applicator-free tampon works better than a Hoover for ridding your innards of unwanted sopping. Designed by a female gynecologist, o.b. expands like a tickled hunk of manhood right inside of you. Not only does this provide maximum blockage, but it gives the applicant a curious warm and comfortable sensation that lasts all the live-long day. MELVIN Tip: You can shove it up your ass for some invigorating anal play too. Great for men and women alike.



"Someday you will die." That is the ominous message that this cold obsidian clock silently whispers to you. Timisis lets you pick any future time-your calculated average death-date for example-and then begins its slow, maddening countdown, second by second. You can also program it with portentious messages such as "Time waits for no one" that intermittently flash at the bottom of its "futuristic age display." MELVIN recommends setting the clock for your parents expected day of rest so you can cheer yourself with thoughts of a hefty inheritance. Priced at a hundred bucks, Timisis makes a perfect wedding present for your gothic friends.