News Too Strange to Make Up


Classroom News

--In New York City, Schools Chancellor Ramon Cortines ordered an investigation into who authorized the punishment of a kindergartner at P.S. 35 in Bedford-Sutyvesant. The child was handcuffed to the stairs.

--The Fabulous Flirtations, a gay singing group performing to Bernice A. Ray Elementary in Hanover, Connecticut, drew parental ire when they were allowed to explain the quirks of sexual orientation to pre-pubescent students. Parents are demanding the principal give a public apology.

--If students have parental approval, they can smoke all they want at Smithfield-Selma High School in Smithfield, North Carolina.


Law and Order

--Dead Serious, a Fort Worth group founded by former felon Darrell Frank, offers members quite a bit for the $10 annual fee. In addition to two "Dead Serious" stickers and the occasional newsletter, lucky members are also entitled to $5000 if they "kill someone in accordance with Texas Penal Code 9.42 while they are in the process of committing a crime against you, your family, or your property."

--The state of California ruled that people can be thrown off a jury if they are ugly. The state court of appeals ruled in favor of an Alameda County prosecutor who removed one woman for being overly plump and wearing too tight of a skirt and two other women for being generally hideous.

--Fairfield, Alabama, mayor Larry Langford banned both men's and women's bikini swimsuits from the city's $680,000 indoor municipal pool, scheduled to open in March. Stating, "We will have no tops coming off in that pool," the mayor has also barred anyone under 30 from using the hot tub.


Other News

--Hooters restaurant chain, which prides itself on its well-endowed waitresses, has paid $100,000 for exclusive sponsorship rights to the Hula Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii. Now dubbed with the name "Hooters Hula Bowl," protesters have alleged the name insults women. The company maintains that Hooters refers to owls.

--Wanting to loosen up the state legislature, Oklahoma Gov. Keating had prunes delivered to select senators and representatives as a St. Valentine's Day gift, adding that they were "far too uptight" in budget negotiations.