According to administration officials, the decision to humiliate Mexican officials in return for American aid was made not out of a desire to exact payment from Mexican supplicants, but out of a desire to make a resounding declaration of American might. "Polls show that increasing numbers of Americans are frustrated at the ineffectiveness of American foreign policy," White House spokesperson Dee Dee Myers stated. "By forcing the President of Mexico to caper about for much-needed aid, we'll demonstrate to the world the strength of the American will."
Besides the pinata-drubbing, members of Mexico's elite ruling class will participate in a number of humbling activities in order to earn American dollars. Members of the judiciary will wait in line for sixty seconds in a transparent cubicle containing swirling greenbacks, and diminutive Mexican cabinet officials will be forced to jump high in the air to seize large denomination bills from the hands of tall American soldiers. In addition, wives of high officials can elect to participate in games of Simon Says, Pattycake, and Uncle Sam May I, all for the required American cash.
The symbolic violation of Mexican pride is not without precedent in American foreign policy. According to White House insiders, years of quiet raillery crystallized into outright harassment recently when Haitian President-in-exile Jean Bertrand Aristide threw an Oval Office temper tantrum over perceived slights and held his breath until his face turned blue. Bemused cabinet members, recognizing a golden opportunity, proceeded to force Aristide to hop on one foot three hundred times and perform twenty push-ups before they'd agree to restore Haitian democracy. Since that time, foreign leaders from Boutros-Boutros Gahli to John Major have found themselves subject to practical jokes and forced to perform public stunts when traveling to Washington with hats in hand. Despite the embarrassment, the ensuing waterfalls of federal aid have kept them coming back for more. "Everyone is upset of course, but they usually shut up and perform once they realize its the only way they're getting the cash, " Dee Dee Myers commented.
Although the Mexican bailout is the first public examination of the new policy, plans are underway to test the principle of humiliation upon domestic recipients of public aid. Among ideas being discussed are proposals to make senior citizens tap dance for their social security checks and to force people on the dole to find jobs.
