Reviews of Movies That Aren't As Good As Star Wars


It's about 16 years after the collapse of a Pinochet-like regime in South America. A wife waits for her husband to return home from work, nervous because she's just learned her husband has been apointed to a head a commission investigating the tortures and the missing dead from the old dictatorship. Death threats have already been issued against him, and he's unusually late. As a torture victim, the wife is surprised when her husband is given a ride home by a man who sounds and smells exactly like the doctor assigned to keep her alive throughout her blindfolded victimization.

Based on a play by Ariel Dorfman, Death and the Maiden shows just what being tied down to a table with wires, being subject to repeated electric shock and other forms of torture can do to a person--even 16 years down the road. Sigourney Weaver gives a performance guaranteed to make audiences squirm as the wife/victim, while Ben Kingsley injects the same intensity into his role as the not-so-unknowing doctor, now himself victim to torture by Sigourney Weaver. Guaranteed to keep tension at the ulcer level, Death and the Maiden will shock filmgoers into a state of paranoia for about two hours afterward, especially if they have a keen sense of smell.

Ben Kenobi Amazing Movie Chain:Sigourney Weaver --HANOVER STREET--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi-Wan Kenobi


Following the cult success of the brilliant Slacker and the boring Dazed and Confused, Richard Linklater revealed that he has, in fact, heard of a well known rhetorical device called plot. Before Sunrise is the tale of Sassy cover model, American bohunk Ethan Hawke and the beautiful French Julia Delprey. The two meet on a train, spend Hawke's last night in Vienna together, and fall in love. It's all very romantic, and they're both very beautiful, and picturesque Vienna does very little for the American tourism board. For someone with a high tolerance for mushy love talk, the well-written Before Sunrise could be believable, interesting, and downright enjoyable. Anyone else may want to bring along a bottle of Mad Dog for a little compensatory sousing.

Ben Kenobi Amazing Movie Chain: Ethan Hawke--DEAD POETS SOCIETY--Robbin Williams--AWAKENINGS--Robert DeNiro-THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE--Daryl Hannah-BLADE RUNNER--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi


According to the tried and true maxims of classical Hollywood cinema, protagonists should be at least a little bit human and plots need to be entertaining. Highlander 3 fails on both accounts, though, and is a weak, soggy tampon of a movie. Somehow the producers didn't get the hint when Highlander 2 utterly flopped that their talents would be better employed on the grade school circuit. Now they've created a waste of film that violates the most important of all Hollywood rules: make it interesting. If you like Highlander 3, you are a stooge.

Ben Kenobi Amazing Movie Chain: Christopher Lambert--HIGHLANDER--Sean Connery--HUNTFOR RED OCTOBER--James Earl Jones--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi


Viewed while swimming in an ocean of THC, Red Rock West is a tight, stark film noir that harkens back to the classics of the genre. Then again, the last time I was baked, I told everyone who would listen that Cool World deserved the Academy Award for Best Picture. Still, Red Rock West has become something of a cult classic, starring Nicholas Cage as the Last Honest Man, Dennis Hopper as the Bad Guy, and Lara Flynn Boyle as Wayne's Girlfriend. Highly recommended.

Ben Kenobi Amazing Movie Chain: Dennis Hopper --APOLCALYPSE NOW--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi-Wan Kenobi


In brief, Tales from the Crypt is a cheap capitalization on a lousy TV series based on a puerile comic book. Aside from the fact that the movie simply isn't scary, it's characters are flat caricatures that not even the most vapid sorority girl could possibly find compelling or feel sympathetic toward. And from the very first scene, the director, whose name doesn't deserve to be mentioned, betrays his lack of confidence in the script by retreating to the cheap thrill of gratuitous titty-shots. Need we say more?

Ben Kenobi Amazing Movie Chain: John Larroquette--SECOND SIGHT--Bronson Pinchot--BEVERLY HILLS COP--Eddie Murphy--BEST DEFENSE--Dudley Moore--FOUL PLAY--Goldie Hawn--DEATH BECOMES HER--Meryl Streep--IRONWEED--Jack Nicholson--EASY RIDER--Dennis Hopper--APOCALYPSE NOW--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi

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