SNEAKERS

  
Kangaroo Shoes
Kangaroos are unquestionably the most dexterous, fleet-footed leapers in the animal kingdom, so it's not surprising that it took scientists until the early eighties to develop a shoe worthy of their name. Kangaroos were at home on the dance floor or the dodge-ball court, combining unparalleled comfort, sleek fashion and unprecedented utility in the form of a Velcro pouch that was ideal for storing love notes from your homeroom cutie. Today, a pair of 'Roos are perfect for wowing the knickers off your retro friends, and above all, are practical--perfect for sneaking an eighth of Lady Godiva past eagle-eyed Lollapalooza security guards. Kangaroo Shoes have evolved beyond the simple, sure-fit philosophy of competitors by offering something more than comfort--the promise of a fine high.

BAD HABITS

  
Pipe Smoking
With cigarettes the exclusive province of old men and biker chicks, pipe smoking is a bit of an anachronism: a nicotine delivery system that hints of elegance and sophistication rather than painful, cancerous death. One pull of a cheap tobacco mix in a ninety-year-old Peterson and your I.Q. seems to increase a point or two--a bowl full of a stout Scottish blend sends it rocketing through the ceiling. While newcomers often head straight for the cherry tobacco, a smart connoisseur experiments with several diverse blends before settling on one. Once you have become familiar with terms like "tamp," "cake" and "pack," you're well on your way to a lifetime of fine smoking and ever-more expensive paraphernalia. One final warning--a smoker is no better than the pipe he or she smokes. While fine Sherlock Holmes Meerschaum will lend you an air of Victorian sophistication, a Frosty the Snowman Corncob will cause you to resemble a hog farmer.

BEVERAGES

  
Nestea Ice Teasers
The Nineties have seen a revolution in the beverage industry, with fruit mixes, iced coffees and strangely-flavored water challenging traditional colas and lemon-lime concoctions for industry dominance. One of the few of the young guard that deserve to last are Nestea Ice Teasers. Available in either lemon or orange, each Ice Teaser is a pleasing blend of citrus and tea that is sweet and eminently drinkable without ever being cloying. Although Ice Teasers are currently only available as a mix, we can't wait for the day when we can grab a refreshing bottle directly off the shelves of the local convenience store.

BOOZE

  
Naughty Boy Beer
While Naughty Boy isn't the best beer in the world (although it is a step above most Budweiser and Miller products), it certainly has the world's best marketing campaign. Abandoning the traditional format of cars, sports and boobs, each Naughty Boy advertisement is a witty double entendre, reveling in the simple pleasures of grabbing your "Naughty Boy" after a long day's work. Other beers hide subliminal phallic symbols in their television, print and radio spots--Naughty Boy cracks wise about palm-smacking masturbation. For us, this witty respite from the legions of so-called "alternative" beers crowding the market is reason enough to drink Naughty Boy by the case.

PAIN RELIEF

  
St. Joseph Adult Chewable Aspirin
Happy was the day that Mom felt your febrile forehead and instead of prescribing that yucky pink liquid medicine, let you off with St. Joseph Chewable Aspirin, the childhood treat that doubled as a pain remedy. Seeing an opportunity to cash in on childhood nostalgia, St. Joseph recently increased the dosage of its formula to create a chewable aspirin for adults. Boasting "pure orange flavor," these citrus morsels make Flintstone vitamins taste like vaguely medicinal chalk. The adult pills still taste like candy, and at 25% of the potency of regular-strength aspirin, you may as well eat them like candy. On a cautionary note, prominent warnings on the label instruct consumers not to exceed a dosage of 48 tablets in 24 hours (never mind that there are only 36 tablets in the bottle). MELVIN consumer tip: Keep a bottle of St. Joseph Adult Chewable Aspirin in your back pocket as a handy safeguard against an untimely case of milk breath.

SEASONING

  
Nestle Magic Shell
Since the dawn of humankind, science has wrought scores of wondrous creations, among them the wheel, the electric light bulb, the automobile and the microchip. But none have impacted society with the power of Nestle Magic Shell. Introduced in the early eighties, Magic Shell empowered children across the globe, allowing them to create miniature scientific miracles in their own ice cream bowls. Upon touching a scoop of Rocky Road or Neapolitan ice cream, the space-age Magic Shell transformed from a thick, gooey syrup to a edible, protective coating that produced a resonant "bonk" when tapped with a spoon. True, the bland, almost chalky flavor of the shell left something to be desired, and an excessive dosage created a shell so thick children were forced to mine for their ice cream, but who cared? The joy, then as now, laid the fascinating journey from chocolate sauce to impervious polymer. Magic Shell is available today at finer supermarkets everywhere.