Republican Presidential candidate Patrick Buchanan held a press conference Monday to announce plans for a whistle-stop tour of New Hampshire marked by fundraising dinners, town hall meetings and the methodical pummeling of individuals of Asian, Hispanic and Semitic descent. The twice-daily attacks will continue, Buchanan vowed, until immigrants pay back the debt they owe to the American taxpayer. "For two hundred years, foreigners have entered America expecting jobs, welfare and government-provided health care," Buchanan said. "Starting now, they can expect to have the snot beaten out of them as well."
The fights, which will be carried live on Pay-Per-View television, will pit Buchanan against the assembled blood relatives of an immigrant chosen for his cringing darkie manner and broken pidgin English. Once the foreigners have grown accustomed to the glare of the television lights, Buchanan will wade into their midst, flailing wildly about with a battered length of pipe or a two-by-four secured from a local construction site. As bodies fall to the ground and skulls burst open in a spray of blood, a running total of the accumulated Medicare tab will appear at the bottom of the viewer's television screen.
"Hopefully, Americans watching this at home will quickly realize the high cost of caring for these filthy wretches," Buchanan spokesman James Barson stated. "Of course, Pat won't stop whacking their prone bodies until they audibly surrender their citizenship. This one's not costing one hard-earned American cent." According to Barson, translators will be on hand to accept the surrender of the fallen immigrants. "We wouldn't want to kill one of the bastards simply because they were too simple to learn proper English."
Campaign insiders report that Buchanan has been training hard for the bouts, and is raring for the real thing after months of practice. "To tell the truth, we were surprised by how good Buchanan was right from the start. He hadn't boxed since college, and we expected him to have his hands full with that fancy martial-arts crap," Buchanan trainer Cus D'Amato stated. "What we hadn't counted on, though, was the manic glee Pat felt when kicking in the ribs of some fallen Chinaman. That's something you just can't teach."
Polls show that Buchanan's stock has dramatically risen among Republican voters since the announcement of the beatings, buoyed in part by soaring support among the vocal Christian Coalition. "We knew Pat would go to any lengths to oppose abortion and assault weapons bans," Republican precinct captain Mary O'Reilly commented. "But his willingness to personally drive foreigners back to whatever land they came from has really warmed our hearts. Christ would be proud."
Buchanan's growing popularity is worrying other Republican presidential candidates, all of whom must depend on right-wing support to have any chance at the nomination. Already, officials at Phil Graham's campaign announced that soon, Graham would start robbing welfare queens at knife point, and Dole spokespeople promised that the Senator would administer headlocks to school children every morning until they recited the Lord's Prayer. Both stated that they would also begin beating immigrants of their own.
Buchanan campaign chair David Harrington dismissed his competition, claiming that true republicans will quickly see through his opponents' opportunism. "Everybody knows that Dole and Graham are merely belittling foreigners in a cynical attempt to gain votes," Harrington said. "Pat, on the other hand, really hate those little colored people."
Buchanan's first bout will begin Wednesday at four o'clock EST. Call your local cable operator for rates and information.