Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Onion

One of the best ways to fill an empty stomach on a low budget is to clot your vital organs with lumps of processed cheese. Here's a recipe for a grilled cheese with tomato and onion sandwich that will make your tonsils wet with herbivorous lust. First sauté some onion in butter while lightly toasting your bread in a conventional toaster. After toasting the bread, butter it lightly, slap on a couple of moist towelettes of good ole' American cheese, sprinkle on the sautéd onion, and layer on a couple slices of fresh tomato. Cook covered in a lightly buttered pan until the cheese is just melted. Served with sweet pickles and a frothy glass of 2% milk, you'll develop the keen sense that maybe you'd make a good mom, even if you do find children a little too attractive.


1995 Mustang Convertible GT

In general, automatic cars are much better than stick-shift ones, but the fact reamins that the only good looking car to come out of 1994 was the 1995 Mustang Convertible GT. The car delivers a nipple-hardening rush to anyone within range of its sleek $24,000 chassis. Best served in "milk me on insurance payments" red with a standard shift, the car will leave your stoplight drag-racing enemies with only the fading image of your middle finger as you careen into the sunset. Most importantly, though, the car was made in America, home of the free.

Women's Recreational League Softball

Since before the pilgrims first peed on this land, males have felt the need to display their prowess, strength, and agility to their female counterparts, who have felt the need to watch, point, and giggle. Thanks to small town league softball, though, those roles are rapidly changing, for as any historian can tell you, it wasn't until league softball came along that women got any real rights. Oppressed women still have to put up with the "if the man walks, the woman gets to choose between walk or bat" rule, or even the infamous painted line in the outfield that restricts how close fielders can play when a woman bats. Nevertheless, women now command more respect for their athleticism than they did in the days of yore, even if they do still throw like sissies.

Soft Drinks
Veryfine Grape Juice in a Bottle

Cleverly called Veryfine, which means "very good," this grape juice is a sweet Jovian nectar that compensates its lack of alcohol with a fruity taste that'll make you do handsprings. The muted "POP!" a bottle of Veryfine grape juice makes as its air-tight seal is cranked open will make you drool like a Pavlovian dog, and you'll pant like a dog when you're done drinking, as you'd swear the juice is laced with cottony fibers. Any spilled juice will be forever embedded in your creased Dockers, making you so mad you'll want to cane your mother, but you'll be too hooked to cut yourself off. MELVIN recommends you just surrender; these marketers own you.