The salty french fry. The sad truth, hidden by man's false history, is that potatoes were never meant to exist in a fry state. Potatoes were meant to be round and whole, as they spring from God's fertile soil! Not divided into chips or fries to tempt the palate of Man! Potatoes may be consumed raw, baked, twice-baked or boiled. They may be covered in butters, creams and zesty toppings. This is the potato's natural purpose. But to shred or slice a potato into bite-sized taste treats--that, my fellow Americans, is tyranny!
We know this, for we know that for a potato, the state of being a fry is an altered state. In nature, few potatoes ever assume the shape of a fry or chip. Those that do are ostracized from potato society, and are cruelly taunted by adolescents who call them "Frenchy." As a potato farmer, I have born witness to the torment visited upon these deluded misfits of tuberdom.
Although man cannot know the mind of the potato, it is easy to know how wretched it is to be in an altered state, such as many potatoes are forced to endure. Ask yourself--on what occasion are we humans most likely to experience an altered state? That's right--at the dentist! And what experience is abhorred by humans above all others? Visiting the dentist, and rightly so! Dentistry is a practice filled only with pain, humiliation and witch-like chemicals which are designed to cloak unnatural violations of one's most private orifice. All humans dislike existing in an altered state such as the dentist's office, or Wyoming.
So too do potatoes abhor the altered state of frydom! Freedom, not frydom is our battle cry! French fried potatoes may not participate in potato culture, as may a baked potato, covered in butter and tangy chives. They are not free to associate with their tuber kin. They must seek solace with the filthy onion, and turnip! This is not a life, this is slavery.
If you eat of a french fried potato's flesh, you benefit from the toil of slaves! If you frequent establishments serving french fries, you support slavery! If you deliver up potatoes to the market, you are a slave-owner! Well, I, for one, will not be party to this tyranny. Live free, mighty potato. Live free!
