Ownership of the Internet presents an enviable opportunity for L.E. Melvin, a vocal critic of what he calls the net's "lily-skinned geek culture." According to company insiders, plans are underway to transform Internet society by increasing commercial messages and by imposing a series of initiatives designed to broaden the Internet's appeal for the desirable pre-teen female demographic. Among the initiatives are plans to institute a program of vigorous calisthenics designed to enhance the sexual attractiveness of current net users, and the designation of Thursdays as "Ladies Nite," featuring dollar drinks and free billiards for women over twenty-one.

In addition, Melvin announced a series of policies designed to ban intimidating technological terminology from the net in an attempt to make it easier for women to use. "Terms such as 'multimedia,' 'cyberspace,' and 'computer' confound the minds of the typical female, and are prohibited," L.E. Melvin declared. In keeping with the policy, L.E. Melvin announced that several well-known Internet structures will undergo name changes, with E-mail, the World Wide Web, and the Usenet now being known as "Pen Pals," "Teen TV," and the "Grapevine," respectively. In addition, MELVIN's trademarked concept "virtual reality" will henceforth be referred to as "Pretend Land."

Company officials were quick to stress that MELVIN's combination of hard-hitting news, enlightening entertainment coverage and cost-effective marketing solutions for advertisers of all stripes will remain unaltered, and in many ways, improved. "With MELVIN now appearing as the home page on every Web browser, we expect a tremendous boost in readership," Lazarus Emile Melvin noted. "To learn about MELVIN's cost-effective means of transmitting your advertising message to this burgeoning audience, CLICK HERE."