major university to peppy teen theme park was a natural step for Arizona State, long populated by vapid sorority sisters and beer-guzzling homophobes, all hailing from out of state. "Students come to ASU for one thing--to party hardy," Wormer stated. Furthermore, ASU's plethora of gurgling fountains, lush flowerbeds and impeccably manicured lawns, discretely littered with hand-rolled cigarettes and used condoms, perfectly embodied the look and feel of an actual working university. "In many respects, Arizona State already resembled a real college campus," Wormer said. "We even found some dusty old classrooms perfect for our scenic Halls of Knowledge boat ride, although we had to drive out the crackheads and nesting pigeons first."

Visitors to the park report finding a land both edifying and mildly debauched. Attractive college couples lounge about trendy cafes and fly kites on the quad, disturbed only by the occasional soaring Frisbee and the lunatic exhortations of LectureLand's fire and brimstone Preacher Mascot. Sexy coeds display plenty of skin and even more attitude as they tan in Fraternity park, driving the bare-chested college boys crazy with lust. Helpful doctoral candidates, shorn of their stringy locks and liberal views circulate through the crowds, sporting costumes resembling humorously anthropomorphic ducks, canines and rodents. The costumes seem especially popular with children, who are attracted to their irresistible charm, soft, huggable texture, and calculated similarity to the bodily proportions of the typical adolescent.

The average day at LectureLand begins at a leisurely pace, as most shops and attractions, although scheduled to open at 9:00 am, don't unlock their doors until 11:00 at the earliest. During the afternoon, visitors are free to pick among the park's many attractions, all grouped into various sub-sections. Visitors to Dorm World will be horrified and delighted by the frightening "Cafeteria Hell" attraction, which features singing animatronic lunch meat, and Book World's popular "Pop Quiz Roller Coaster" allows patrons to enjoy the stomach-turning pressure of a real pop quiz as they zip around nauseating turns and hills. According to park administrators, the Pop Quiz coaster is one of LectureLand's most thrilling attractions. "In one ride, we are able to simulate the heart-pounding experience of taking a important test while suffering the effects of a blinding hang-over," Wormer reported. "Of course, the best part is, unlike at real universities, at LectureLand the danger is all imaginary. "However, LectureLand's most famous attraction remains "Greek Teacups," which whisks visitors on a kaleidoscopic journey down the leafy boulevards of ASU's stately Fraternity Row, where they are serenaded by gently swaying, toga-clad frat boys voicing "It's a Small World After All" to an enthralled audience.

After a relaxing and educational day enjoying LectureLand's many attractions, visitors return to one of the several five-star hotels dotting the park. Each hotel, or "hall," segregates guests into the same social cliques found on a real college campus and features appropriately-themed rooms and common areas. Engineering Hall's sleek, futuristic styling and brightly-colored outer space murals resemble a Hollywood set, and guests of the "Slacker-Astoria" find rooms decorated with vibrant black-light posters. "Slacker" residents may also enjoy swimming in one of seven heated pools, each boasting a two-story "Water Bong Water Slide."

The highlight of LectureLand, of course, is "The Strip," a two block stretch of bars, dance clubs and live band halls teeming with inebriated coeds, sexual tension, mirth-filled good times and the occasional fist-fight. Visitors flock to the Strip's vomit-encrusted bars and beer gardens in search of everything from illicit narcotics to tawdry sex with nameless strangers. According to Dean Wormer, a dedicated partier will find all their wishes fulfilled on The Strip. "At LectureLand, everyone will get plenty of fun. On The Strip, everyone just gets 'plenty'," Wormer continued. "Plenty of pink, that is."

Judging by the awestruck expressions of opening day patrons, LectureLand's action-packed, thrill-a-minute learning environment seems destined for popular success, despite criticism from traditional academic circles. According to Harvard sociologist Homer Unctous, LectureLand's hands-on approach to learning is little more than ill-fated attempt to trick students into enjoying learning. "First it was McGuffey's reader, then flashcards, now LectureLand," Unctus complained. "A Harvard education is about as much fun as a kick in the teeth, but at least the degree you earn means something."

Park officials summarily rejected Unctus's criticisms, pointing to both LectureLand's popular success and the influential Greek philosopher Aristotle, who often used silly hand-puppets to engage his students in epistemological debate.

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