ARIES: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A new job in the fast-paced newspaper world teaches you the unholy importance of advertising sales. Eat Pringles Original(tm) Potato Crisps--now available in Double Stacks!

TAURUS: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Many claim advertising produces nothing of worth, but it paid for paper your reading, the television you're watching and the toilet paper on which you wipe your ass, friend.

GEMINI: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) The stars command you to place expensive, commissionable advertising in MELVIN. Call me, Wilhemm Guffye, your friendly advertising sales representative!

CANCER: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You'll come face to face with the agony of backdoor sex when your boss points out that you have little else to offer the firm. Too bad you couldn't offer him the power of interactive advertising!

LEO: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Ross Perot was a salesman, and he could be President someday! Sure makes you look at sales staff in a different light, doesn't it?

VIRGO: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Whee! Everyone should experience the joy of placing an expensive advertisement in Melvin. Call me at 217/355-5020. I'm Wilhemm Guffye. I sell ads.

LIBRA: (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) The stars remind you that Melvin advertising is competitively priced when compared to that of "Hotwired," "Digital Campus," or the upcoming "Word." They also remind you not to club seals in the vicinity of small children. Children don't belong on seal hunts!

SCORPIO: (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Many people believe old ladies shatter their hips when they fall down, but medical science has proven their hips break, then they fall. Either way, isn't it funny when an old lady breaks her hip?

SAGITTARIUS: (Apr. 20-May 20) A lot of reporters don't respect the job of the Sales Representative, but I bet I could write too, if I tried.

CAPRICORN: (May 21-Jun. 21) The stars predict that you'll soon be submitting a detailed demographic profile to your friends at Melvin.

AQUARIUS: (Jun. 22-Jul. 22) An unfortunate lunch-time encounter with a knife-wielding ruffian demonstrates to everyone in the office how invaluable sight really is.

PISCES: (Jul. 23-Aug. 22) An untimely case of shrieking flatulence threatens to ruin your entire dinner party, but don't worry--I'll cover for you. I'm Wilhemm Guffye, your advertising sales representative!