Teen Drama Patrol Special Report: Daphne Zuniga



The thing about 90210 that fails to reveal itself in these reviews are the subtle teen phrasings that together with crop tops and sideburns transform 30 year olds into whiney pretentious teens. In the spirit of giving the Melvin reader the true feeling of watching a 90210 episode a few choice quotes have been revealed in an attempt to illustrate more clearly the mind blowing experiences of the California crew.

Kelly gets invited to a Psychology experiment because she got an A in Abnormal Psych. The guy's totally creepy. She has some sort of life changing experience.

Brandon and Dylan take to the open road on some hot motorcycles. They end up fighting about Kelly, and then in the traditional 90210 rich white spotlight on another culture, they get caught pissing on Native American burial grounds. A tribal cop finds them and makes them dig a hole.

The Peach Pit After Dark opens.


When responding to the question, "Did 90210 live up to the adventure laden drama that the American public was promised last week?" the answer is yes...and no. There were swords yielded and guns brandished, but they waited to the last ten minutes of the show before their make-up even required re-touching. And the hot steamy sex was Valerie saying "Just hold me." with her silicone tits hanging out of her bikini top the entire show. Don't get me wrong. Dylan riding down the beach on a horse wearing sunglasses with his shirt unbuttoned was a nice touch, but viewers were hardly moved to the edge of their seats by a nobody doing a pathetic Dennis Hopper, pre-rehab, impression crashing through a sliding glass door. So now he rescued his sister from the grips of her evil mother. Now what? Are we suppose to believe that they're going to give custody to a recovering drug addict? And don't tell us she's going to live at the Walsh's because there's no vacancy, baby.

My So-Called Life


The first show of the New Year centered around wayward Ricky's resolution to find a place where he really belongs. In the tradition of "Three's Company," Ricky overhears Angela's parents complain about his overextended welcome, which prompts him to return to life on the streets. (He conveniently missed the part where they gush over how wonderful he is.)

Coming closer and closer to the edge, Ricky falls asleep in class and misses a few assignments, two danger signs that alert Mr. Kazinski to Ricky's need for a guidance counselor. She suggests a place called Pride House, but he has to stay in a shelter until he moves up the waiting list. A frightened Ricky ends up leaving the shelter and calling Mr. Kazinski from a pay phone. But he doesn't offer his place because he's gay, and he thinks he'll get shitcanned if people find out. Ricky shows up anyway, cries, and Mr. Kazinski lets him in.

After Angela resolves to stop doing Jordan Catalano's homework, she signs him up to be tutored by none other than Brian. Although Brian doesn't want to tutor the alternastallion because he doesn't respect him, he changes his mind when Jordan offers him lessons in the art of mackin' the honeys.

Sharon sleeps with Kyle because she hot and bothered over Brad Pitt, and then resolves to never do "it" again. Pa Chase resolves to give up his dream of opening a restaurant with the irritating Halley Lowenthal, and then decides he really wants to after all. Look for future episodes where Ricky moves in permanently, Mr. Kazinski gets the axe, and Halley Lowenthal has an affair.


With teen drama, it's a matter of taking the good with the bad. Well, viewers took plenty of both Thursday night.


Weeks of loyal viewing and two shows left and they pull this crap? Rayann gets handcuffed to Angela's parents' bed on accident and, ha! ha!--there's no key! Wasn't this a Rescue 911 episode once? Viewers were forced to watch as the zany cast tried all forms of clever things to get her out of this teen mishap.

The only thing worse than the teen plot was the pre-teen plot. Scriptwriters demonstrated a keen ability to write like assholes when Angela's little sister peeped her endearing monologue. Make no mistake, it's douche commercials and TV movies from here on out for these writers.