Education

--In an argument over who would make announcements at their high school's Christmas concert, Henry County, Tennessee, commisioner Kenneth Humphrey-a high school choral director, and local minister-allegedly bashed high school band director Martin Paschall in the face with a chair. Paschall pressed aggravated assault charges, Humphrey was freed after posting $1000 bail, and the concert was cancelled.

--Trying to be a "cool dad," Edward Lee Gordon, 35, and his girlfriend, Yvonne Burdette, 35, hired a stripper to perform for his son's 12th birthday party in Lakewood, Colorodo. Gordon, Burdette, and the stripper, Chelsea Rose Wunderlich, 18, were all arrested for investigation of "sexual assault" against the boy and two 12-year-old friends. All remain free as prosecutors decide what to do with the case. A local photo finisher alerted police to the event.

--Five Buckeye High School students in Medina, Ohio, who wanted a day off school, gave up praying for a snow day and decided to take a more direct approach. They coerced another student into torching the school, causing $1 million in damage.

Scams

--In Tempe, Arizona, Fiesta Bowl fans found a dream parking deal for the annual event. A con artist posed as a parking attendant and had the fans park in illegal spaces at an area apartment complex. Each of the twenty cars were towed at $150. City officials are seeking the parking attendant.

--The New York State Health Department reported that thieves broke into an industrial decontamination site in Tonawanda, New York. The thieves stole an above ground swimming pool.

Unhappy Meals

--New Year's Day was more than just a party in Copenhagen, Denmark. A group of anarchists led hundreds of rioters on a rampage against symbols of capitalism, including: banks, various shops, and a McDonald's. Restaurant chairs, tables, straw and napkin dispensers and "Happy Meal" boxes were ripped out of the restaurant and tossed into the street for a huge bonfire. Seven people were arrested and more that a dozen officers arrested.

--In Summit, Illinois, Tom Dixey, principal of Argo Community High School, offered his students a reading challenge. If they read 4,500 books and articles, he would eat two mealworms. The students won the bet.

--Although Jailer Dennis Thate hasn't admitted to the act, two inmates in his Fairmount, Minnesota, jail have accused him of implying that he urinated in their milk. Thate admitted to making the statements and has been suspended for 30 days.

Regulations

--Bending to environmental regulations, the Air Force announced that its store of ICBMs will be fitted with new cooling systems which will eliminate their use of CFCs, saving that much more of Earth's ozone layer. However, the ICBMs will still be able to pack up to 10 nuclear bombs, each capable of leveling an entire city.

--An Albany, New York, appellate court ruled that Wal-mart has the right to forbid dating between coworkers. This ruling comes as an extension to the current regulation which already bans supervisor-subordinate relationships.

--Sheriff Jeff Arpaio signed a caffeine addict's deathwish when he announced by eliminating coffee he'd save his Maricopa County, Arizona, jail over $100,000. The jail inmates are collectively suing Arpaio.

Language

--The LA chapter of MENSA forced Nikki Frey, its newsletter editor, to resign after his recent publication of articles advocating the idea of a master race. The articles specifically recommended that the "mentally infirm" should be "humanely dispatched" and that homeless people "should be done away with, like abandoned kittens."

--Due to a subtle racial slur, city officials in Milford, Conneticut, are proposing to change the name of Nig's Pond, located near the city green.