The broad concrete sidewalks that thousands of toney Chicago shoppers once traversed are now replaced with slatted wooden walks. Snopes' Dry Goods sits in the former location of Brooks Brothers; two old men in overalls languished on the bench in front, strategically spitting tobacco juice at any dogs who wandered too close. Nike Town--vanished. In its stead: Percy's Dependable Shoes and Boots.
Excited shoppers agreed that the "Mississippi Mile" met their vision of a small Southern town main street. However, many admitted they had never actually visited the South and thus based their expectations on "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns.
The remodeling is not without critics. Some charged that a voter referendum should have decided the fate of Michigan Avenue. Daley denied that he had overstepped the bounds of his authority, asserting that he was, after all, the mayor, just like his father before him. "Besides, anything wanted on the old Michigan Avenue you can still get on the Mississippi Mile, except maybe a decent hot dog or pizza. But Mama Welty's Diner sure serves up some fine collard greens and corn pone," the Mayor said.
Mayoral aide Edgar Wallace added that many familiar Michigan landmarks such as the Sheraton hotel were left untouched, though the owners agreed to remodel the bar and restaurant to look like "Gone with the Wind."
Wallace predicted that the new Mississippi Mile would revive the former glory days of Chicago's port. "Side-wheelers will paddle their way back to our shores, ready to load bales and bales of cotton to sell at hefty profits to fool Northerners too busy to grow their own clothes."
When asked if the transformation of the Magnificent Mile into the Mississippi Mile would alter Chicago's long-standing allegiance to the Union side, Mayor Daley answered that a blue ribbon Mayoral commission was studying that issue. Although the Civil War is long over, a switch to the Confederate side would drastically affect annual Civil War battle reenactments held in Grant Park. In past years, participants portraying Confederate soldiers foolishly rushed the Union side in bayonet charges and immediately died in grotesque, writhing fashions. Any survivors were forced to lick the boots of their grinning captors as the cameras flashed.
