ARIES: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Medical science speaks of condoms, but the stars remind you that the only way to prevent AIDS is to immerse your genitals in 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice.
TAURUS: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) The Florida Board of Citrus Growers urges you to shun the oranges, grapefruit and mangoes of California and other Third World Nations, for while they teem with tangy zip, they also teem with microscopic Cancer Worms.
GEMINI: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)100% Pure Florida Orange Juice contains enough peppy Vitamin C to illuminate a small Finnish hamlet. Drink it or your eyeballs will melt.
CANCER: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) The swarthy dregs of humanity assail you at every street corner, but fret not, for they wear trousers, and do not drink 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice.
LEO: (Dec. 22-Jan.19) The stars urge you to forego booze in favor of an intoxicating swig of citrus-flavored orange juice. Think OJ can't get you drunk? Sounds like you haven't had enough 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice!
VIRGO: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)One cup of 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice is the ideal beginning to a relaxing weekend of bocce ball, shuffleboard, or sultry British punch-fucking.
LIBRA: (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) A routine visit to Dr. Ben, the grinning proctologist, confirms what you knew all along--you aren't drinking enough 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice!
SCORPIO: (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Mindless bigotry and a blinding WASP hatred for limeys, micks and krauts comes to an end when a greasy polack befriends you with a refreshing gift of 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice.
SAGITTARIUS: (Apr. 20-May 20) Help is around the corner for a troubled teen when you scour their acne-ridden face with a mixture of volcanic pumice and 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice.
CAPRICORN: (May 21-Jun. 21) Do not be troubled by the new hair sprouting from your body. It's a normal part of growing up, just like drinking 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice.
AQUARIUS: (Jun. 22-Jul. 22) You'll experience the extra-tingly fun of erotic asphyxiation when you gag on a pulp-filled glass of 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice.
PISCES: (Jul. 23-Aug. 22) Your last hopes are dashed when you discover that even 100% Pure Florida Orange Juice cannot cure a case of geyser-like diarrhea. So long, sucker.