MELVIN Front Page News    June 12 - June 25

forward to a lonely existence bereft of friends and cast out from the company of man, a fate commonly visited upon individuals unlucky enough to encounter the Almighty.

"It may seem cruel, but we exiled Lee from society for his own good," Lee's Aunt Michelle explained. "Typically, oddities such as Lee could expect to be pecked to death by anxious family members, or mauled and eaten by his father. This way, he at least has a chance of being adopted by a pack of wolves or a friendly chimpanzee."

The Weistein family first became aware of the problem after checking Lee's crib last evening and discovering it empty. Minutes of frantic searching yielded only an unfamiliar infant sleeping soundly in Lee's cradle. Eventually, Mr. and Mrs. Weistein realized that the strange baby was Lee, his identifying scent masked by the odor of Our Lord. Stifling their natural impulse to instantly crush the life from his tiny body, the Weisteins left Lee in the care of the local Catholic priesthood, who immediately tossed him into a remote trash dumpster rather than risk incurring God's mighty wrath. "The Bible says God's mind is unknowable by man," Father Bartholomew O'Shaunessy explained. "We're terrified of the unknown, so we'd fear God even if he didn't go around turning people into pillars of salt. Lee smells just like God. We can't be sure, by who's to say that he won't start doing the same sort of things."

Although no one is certain why God decided to intervene in Lee's life, those schooled in aspects of divinity speculate that God was merely looking out for Lee's well-being and simply forgot about human's reliance on scent to identify their young. "To God, Lee probably looked alone and in peril in his flimsy crib, so He decided to tuck Lee safely away up high in his cradle," Anglican Archbishop Andrew Aquinas stated. "This sort of thing happens quite frequently. Normally, God would use a shovel. Unfortunately, this time, he didn't even wear gloves." Aquinas promised to pray in hopes that God would heed his calls and store Lee in a cardboard box until he was old enough to survive on his own.

Many noted theologians disagree with Aquinas' assertion, however, noting that the Lord Jehovah is known to harbor a deep- seated animosity towards humans, making any act of benevolence unlikely at best. "Remember, we're talking about a God that has destroyed cities and ravaged the land with floods and plagues," Yale professor of religious history Martin Vanlynes said. "What makes you think He'd drawn the line sowing confusion and confounding our simple human minds?"

Amid all the debate over the nature of God's negligence, however, a small but growing number of activists are speaking out against Lee's exile, calling the action "irrational and superstitious." "Shunning Lee because he was 'touched by God' is ridiculous. There is no God," American Atheist Association President Jeffrey Church declared. "Lee was touched by little green aliens, and he doesn't deserve to exiled. He deserves to die."