Want something to grow in your humble hovel other than that unidentified mold thing in the corner? MELVIN recommends an aloe vera plant. They're easy to care for: just put them in a nice sunny spot or in front of your computer so they can absorb some form of radiation. Even if you occasionally don't water them, the aloe vera plant (actually a cactus, according to MELVIN Lab technicians) is so sensitive to water it will absorb your perspiration. Hence, they smell like you in all your musky glory. If you and your attractive significant other get a sunburn, call up MELVIN and we'll lovingly apply strips of freshly cut aloe to the significant other's sunburn while we throw you in the trunk of our jeep and go baja cruising across the Bonneville Salt Flats. But, only call if they're attractive and easy.
If you can head up to your attic without welling up painful childhood memories, dig through your pile of dusty Yahtzee boxes and ancient comic books until you find the Erector Set your loving momma never threw out. Far more dangerous than Legos, we all know what fascination the hundreds of sharp metal bars hold, easily bending to your super strength. Those tiny, integral parts that you used to feed your kid sister in your mean-hearted days are perfect for jerry-rigging household items. And while kids today waste their minds on all this computer hocus pocus, you can master the archane arts of mechanical manipulation skills that will come in handy once the Luddites win the war.
Tired of burnt microwave popcorn and fat-free pretzels for snacks? Well, after months of careful research, the staff of MELVIN Kitchens have worked 'round the clock to produce the next taste sensation and vegetarian delight: Yogralope. It's not hard, but for those of you educated by the American public school system, we'll go slow. First, take half of a cantaloupe and scoop out all the yucky seeds. Next, mix plain or vanilla yogurt with the granola product of choice (staff favorites include Grape Nuts, Quaker 100% Natural, and Kelloggs Lowfat Granola without raisins). Finally, place the yogurt/granola potion inside the half of a cantaloupe and enjoy a salubrious snack that will prevent that next yeast infection. And it's so tasty good you'll sprout taste buds where you never thought you could get `em, or something like that. So it looks like monkey brains, so what? The next time some one spits in your face and calls you a granola-munching tree hugger you can proudly say: Indeed! Besides, fondling the gentle slopes of a cantaloupe under the intrusive lights of the local supermarket is kind of erotic.
The trusty shoe. A good shoe is like your best childhood friend; it's always with you, even when all you want to do is go out and kick rocks. And whether you're gyrating your pelvis under the disco ball or strutting past a gaggle of lusty harlots, a pair of wing tips on your gun boats will lend you the quiet air of respectability you need. Come cross the rocky border between adolescence and adulthood, come to a place where men dwell: that's the message of a pair of wing tips. Intricately stitched to make a nod to the Old West, wing tips confirm your manhood like shit on your spurs. More important than image, though, they're cheap, and are a likely score in the Salvation Army shoe bin. Get yourself a pair before some jobless louse does.