Pop Culture   May 8 - May 22, 1995

Destiny Turned on the Radio

Savoy Pictures

Full of performances by the theater freaks you hated in high school, Destiny lands hard in the barren realm of plotless films. The flick traces the story of an escaped convict who chases both a laundry bag of jacked dough and a curly-haired sex kitten in a swanky red dress. Sporting his seven inch butt-chin, Quentin Tarantino does a fair job playing a soothsayer, but his part hardly elevates the film above its smear of dead one-liners ("You're so cold that I have to wear snow shoes to bed"), TV sex-scene jazz, and slues of cops dressed like Mr. Roper. The film moves slower than a bowel full of Velveeta and Twinkies. Save your seven bucks for a new haircut, you ape.

Amazing Movie Chain: Quentin Tarantino--Pulp Fiction--Samuel Jackson--Jurassic Park--Sam Neill--Hunt for Red October--Sean Connery--Last Crusade--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi

Jury Duty


There are good movies, bad movies, movies so bad they're good, and then there's Jury Duty, which invents a new category of films so bad they assault the very notion of Western progress. For a brief moment, the movie arouses chuckles as Pauly Shore smears cottage cheese on his butt cheeks during a strip routine. But we've just given away the only reason you could possibly want to sauté your brain in the cold piss of this film. From then on, its one courtroom scene after another of Shore acting like the nimrod he is. Put simply, this film is one of the most asinine movies ever made.

Amazing Movie Chain: Pauly Shore--Great Expectations--Sir Alec Guinness--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi

Kiss of Death

20th Century Fox

Despite a somewhat contrived Hollywood ending, Kiss of Death is an enveloping film about loyalty, betrayal, and why it sucks to get shot in the eye. You'll appreciate every pound that beefcake Nicholas Cage put on to play a hardass mob psycho as well as every lock of afro Sam Jackson shed to play his seasoned detective role. Ex-NYPD Blue star David Caruso plays a goodhearted but hard-luck crook, whose loyalty to an old underground cohort gets him sent to jail and gradually wedges him between the mob and the police. He's so convincing, that you won't even laugh at him as he stands up to Cage and that other big guy from Pulp Fiction--both of whom could beat his little red head into a bloody tampon. If for nothing else, see the film just to watch a spastic Cage suck hits of asthma medication before beating the tar out of people.

Amazing Movie Chain: Nicholas Cage--Wild at Heart--Willem Dafoe--Platoon--Charlie Sheen--Wall Steet--Martin Sheen--Apocalypse Now--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi

Top Dog


Top Dog is a very important film. MELVIN Operatives are very important film critics. Put them together and you're left with an empty theatre for an inadvertantly private screening. Chuck Norris stars in this piece of tripe with "Reno," a God-awful ugly dog whose commanding star image is of such caliber that he's allowed to glance at his off-screen trainer, frequently.

Top Dog is much more than a common cop's-new-partner-is-a-dog flick, though. It's also two hoots and a holler's worth of cinematic hijinks. A sample of the film's humor follows: Chuck Norris brings Reno home for the first time. He says to the dog, "Don't make a mess." But then the camera pans over the rest of the room, showing how dirty it already is! Chuck Norris already made it messy! It was so funny! MELVIN Operatives pity the whelps unfortunate enough to be forced to drag their younger siblings to this film.

Amazing Movie Chain: Chuck Norris--Firewalker--John Rhys-Davies--Raiders of the Lost Ark--Harrison Ford--STAR WARS--Obi Wan Kenobi

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