Looking for a quick fix of low-vitamin, high-starch grub that will tease your salivary glands and quell your rumbling food muscle? The stunningly mediocre Lipton family of freeze dried foodstuffs has just the remedy for your greedy cake hole. In ten minutes or less you can circumvent our marbled globe with Lipton's cosmopolitan blend of titillating entrees. White kids can pretend they have that New Orleans soul by devouring mounds of mildly spiced Cajun Beans and Rice; black kids can pretend they don't by actually calling the Lipton 800-Line (1-800-697-7887, but you didn't get it from us) and posing an earnest query. Whether your hankerings run towards Italian or Indian, a bomb shelter crammed with Lipton Kitchen's Taste- Tested Recipes is the only sure-fire way of ensuring gustatory satisfaction from now through post-nuclear Armageddon. May God save us all.

When your nose is clotted with vaseline-thick mucus, you need a brawny tissue to catch the weighty glops that ooze out your nostrils. And while the name "Puffs" might not conjure the image of a stalwart goalie ready to fend off all nasal pucks shot his way, you'll find the thick, fibery weave of Puff's Plus the perfect safeguard against sticky fingers. Puffs Plus boasts extra aloe, which not only makes it more gentle on your reddened schnoz, but also adds the perfect amount of heft for games of garbage-can basketball. And how 'bout that softness! If they'd make toilet paper this soft, you'd be shoving suppositories up your ass til you were skinny as a crack in the sidewalk. Melvin Tip for Men: Two out of three men report that Puff's doesn't irritate the urethra during post-coital swabbing the way the other leading brand will.

Harken back, old-timers, to those playful romps in the back seat of your old man's Chevy, when things got a little too frisky at the drive-in and your date had to raise a frothy beverage up under her poodle skirt in a misguided attempt to fool the fertility gods. Now ask yourself, would that precious moment live on in your memory with quite the same luster had the contraceptive been poured from a measly cylinder of aluminum? Any flag-owning American knows that soda is meant to be served in bottles, and MELVIN applauds those beverage companies (and seeks their advertising money) who have fought tirelessly to resurrect the bottle. Drinking sixteen fluid ounces is the perfect volume for thirst-quenching, and once you've finished your soda, you're left with a sophisticated launch pad for firing super- powered bottle rockets at your best friend's ass. And those who shun cans will still remember that aluminum consumption has been linked to Alzheimer's disease. Picture yourself as a dithering Ronald Reagan, lying in a hospital bed, two twelve- ounce cans of soda locked in your drool-covered fists. Mommy? Nancy? Go for the bottle, gristle tits.