Front Page News                                       April 24 - May 7, 1995

Youth finds himself

BEDFORD, IOWA -- Local boy Bobby Krunkle announced Monday that after hours of pensive soul-searching and aimless, solitary walks in light drizzle, he has not only discovered who he is, but also his purpose in life. "I'm apeople person! And God put me here in Iowa to be with other people," he exclaimed. Thanking his church's pastor for suggesting profound biblical passages as an aid to self-discovery, Bobby returned to his job as a clerk at Walden books, from which he had taken a leave of absence. Bobby's father Raymond quickly congratulated his son, but remains unconvinced that the Holy Bible played any role in Bobby's newfound enlightenment. "Traditionally, people turn to the Bible with questions about the universe, not with questions about inner identity," Mr. Krunkle said "For questions like that, our family has always turned to an old-fashioned kick in the pants."

Republicans defend school lunch cuts

WASHINGTON, DC -- GOP Senator Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) angrily denied that his party was heartlessly eliminating federal school lunches and depriving hungry pupils of Salisbury steak, turkey tetrazini, and other such staples offered through the program. The bespectacled, balding Senator explained that Republicans weren't ending the lunches -- they were merely shortening the school day to end at noon. Children should sup on home-cooked meals served by their doting mothers, reasoned D'Amato, before heading out into the fields to help their fathers and the hired hands tend to the crops. "Sturdy yeoman farmers are made at home, not in federal school lunch programs," declared the Senator.

White House staff denies "whip-it" abuse

WASHINGTON, DC -- Chief of Staff Leon Panetta vehemently rejected widespread rumors that twenty-something staff aides inhale nitrous oxide baking charges, commonly called "whip-its," on White House premises. Stories circulating on Capitol Hill describe wild-eyed staffers who suck the heady gas from balloons, then reel around giddily, knocking over brass busts of former presidents and disrupting cabinet meetings. Reportedly while under the influence of a "whip-it", one aide stumbled into a legion of visiting foreign dignitaries and ruined several important international treaty negotiations. President Clinton sprang to his staff's defense, tersely asserting that "Nobody around here inhales any wacky stuff. Nobody."

Scientists discover men
and women think differently

BERKELEY, CA -- University of California scientists announced results of a study proving that men and women have profoundly different brain wave patterns, a breakthrough finding that might help explain long-standing communication breakdowns between the two sexes. Dr. Lisa Vandergooden explained that unlike men, women's thought processes are emotionally driven and left-brain oriented, which causes females to muse about abstract subjects such as love, commitment, and relationships. "Men, on the other hand, tend to think about concrete things like sex, sports and cars," Vandergooden stated. "Which is what you'd expect from somebody that Pthinks exclusively with their penis."