Family Values

- The parents of serial cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer are in a stew 
 with the attorney representing the victims' families. While the parents 
 would like Dahmer's leftovers destroyed, the attorney has proposed 
 a public auction, with all profits going to the benefit of the victim's 
 families. An inventory of items for auction is unavailable pending the
 resolution of the lawsuit.

A woman arriving at a Quincy, Massachusetts hospital complaining of
 indigestion gave birth to a 7 1/2 pound baby while her husband was
 out parking the car. Later asked by her husband what was causing the
 indigestion, the woman blurted out "afterbirth."

- A bill has been raised to make it a felony to abandon an elderly person
 in North Dakota. While it's already a misdemeanor, state prosecutors were 
 unable to extradite an out-of-state family who ditched its grandfather at
 a roadside diner.

Local Yokels

- Ten workers in New Hampton, Iowa, were greeted with a sunny-side 
 nightmare when a truck trailer rolled over and spilled its cargo on a 
 county road near the community. The clean-up crew spent eight hours 
 cleaning up the truck's 324,000 toppled and overturned eggs.

- In Maine, 60 residents of a community known as Oxbow Plantation, 
 nestled in Aroostook County, voted December 20 to determine whether
 or not they exist. MELVIN's attempts to contact the community since the
 vote have proven unsuccessful. (We're not kidding.)

Truth In Sentencing

- The ACLU won a suit in Lake Charles, Louisiana, that disputed the
 propriety of sentences issued by Judge Thomas Quirk.  Quirk was
 forced to re-sentence a number of people after he ordered them to
 attend church as part of their probation.

- Oklahoman Charles Scott Robinson was sentenced to 30,000 years
 in prison for sexually assaulting a three year old girl. The sentence,
 which combined sentences for six counts of assault each carrying a
 5,000 year term, was intended to guarantee Robinson would remain
 behind bars for life.  He is eligible for parole in fifteen years.

Explosive Issues

- Matthew Quinn, 21, had charges dropped against him after he tried
 unsuccessfully to threaten his school with a homemade bomb in
 Battleboro, Vermont. The judge dismissed the case, citing that Quinn
 used the wrong kind of powder for the bomb.

- An electrical short set off a massive underground explosion in
 Waikiki, Honolulu. Manhole covers were blasted some thirty feet
 in the air after the short detonated an unnamed material. No one was
 reported injured by the flying manhole covers, each of which weigh
 in excess of 75 lbs.