continued production of the devil chips for several months. By the time production was halted, hundreds of thousands of bewitched chips had found their way into homes, businesses and academic institutions around the world.

Intel officials remain baffled as to why the Indian warrior would curse their chip, but investigative efforts reportedly center around the discovery of an ancient Indian burial ground near the site of half-finished corporate headquarters. Construction of the headquarters has been slowed by mysterious accidents, poor record keeping and a spree of macabre beheadings of construction workers, which until now were considered unrelated.

Although such incidents seem confined so far to Intel personnel, spokespeople for the company warn owners that the danger remains real. According to Intel, bizarre visions, freakish glitches and minor calculation mistakes are fast becoming a common occurrence on Pentium-equipped machines around the nation. One common ploy of a possessed computer is to inhabit the screen saver application, causing it to print the word "redrum" over and over again on the monitor. Users clever enough to hold a mirror up to the screen are then horrified to learn that "redrum" spells "murder" in reverse. The "redrum" trick is a common device of evil spirits, waxing in popularity ever since being described in Steven King's "The Shining."

Fortunately for the computer giant, MELVIN programmers have graciously offered their help in exorcising the spirit. This week, fearless MELVIN Operatives will attempt to lure the volatile ghost onto a CD-ROM bearing the holographic likeness of actor Lou Diamond Phillips, then expel the disc in a projectile fashion against the wall, shattering it and the spirit.

In addition, Intel has already acted to remedy the Pentium chip's strange problems, announcing that their well-known logo "Intel inside" will be changed to "Intel and a Native American spirit inside." It is hoped that this visible recognition will appease the angry spirit. The company has also sent a pamphlet of do's and don'ts to Pentium owners warning users not to watch Lone Ranger reruns in the room where their computer is located, and to avoid phrases such as "Indian-giver" while their computer is on.

More News, Page 3