the coffee bar, will conduct round-the-clock orbital surveillance of the trendy cafe's bohemian ambienance. According to NASA researchers, the satellite will rely on a sophisticated, multimillion dollar instrument package, dubbed GOATEE (Ground Observation and Analysis ThingEE) to perform remote assessments of coffee house atmosphere using laser sampling, radio interception, and shameless eavesdropping.
In addition to the orbiting satellite, a special robot probe known affectionately to scientists as "Kafka" was sent directly into the atmosphere of the Cafe Touche to collect data on diverse factors such as coffee house aroma, levels of intellectual posturing and the molcular makeup of pricey imported javas. The Kafka unit is slated to perform these routine assessments for three full days, using gas chromatographs, mass spectrometers and a studied indifference to other patrons. From the fourth day on, Kafka will hold discussions with randomly chosen patrons on topics ranging from Hegel's utopianism and the patent silliness of Rene Descartes to the transcendent nihilism of Kurt Cobain in order to determine the effects of capitalism on artistic integrity.
Kafka's preliminary observations, released to the public today, while still sketchy, are very surprising indeed. According to the initial data, Taylor claims the atmosphere of Cafe Touche may indeed be habitable by human beings. Superficial analysis of several ongoing conversations confirms this hypothesis, showing that normal adult humans gradually conditioned to laboratory-simulated atmospheric conditions mimicking those in the Cafe Touche would actually stand a decent chance of survival in the strangely robust environment. Taylor cautioned, however that the coffee house atmosphere is extremely perilous to humans, and that even those possessing advanced Liberal Arts degrees could suffer a toxic reaction to the highly-charged intellectual air.
Despite the risks, NASA officials are considering an actual manned expedition as soon as Kafka returns its final results. According to Taylor, the mission, while dangerous, ought to be feasible provided the explorers are equipped with pressurized suits, Buddy Holly-style glasses, and WWII-issued U.S. Army backpacks slung over both shoulders. "The residents of the coffeehouse atmosphere have appeared harmless so far," Taylor said, "though they frequently behave as if they are far better than normal human beings. The only danger is that no amount of preliminary data can tell us exactly what will happen in there."
One area of concern has been the discovery of abnormally dense brainwaves radiating from the Cafe. According to Taylor, the brainwaves so dense they cannot be distinguished from each other, a fact that leads many researchers to believe the coffeehouse atmosphere houses beings with reasoning capacities both far beyond our own, and eerily similar to one another. One possible insight into the high intelligence levels comes from Kafka's discovery of near-lethal levels of caffeine in the cafe, which backs up the assertion that cafe-dweller's brainwaves are more active only because of the residents' higher tolerance for caffeine. "This atmosphere houses beings who may actually derive nutritional benefits from caffeine," reseach assistant Fyodor Murgin commented. "If this is the case, then they are not only more tolerant of the drug, but also able to reap from it brain-boosting benefits not even available to us."
