Useful Animals--Cows

Taking the notion of sacred cow and doing the proverbial jog with it, MELVIN

would like to officially recognize the cow for its many contributions to the

American high life. Forget that 6' 2" Nordic hunk you've been stalking at the

local Shop n' Save-- the cow perfectly completes all of your human needs. Smiling

in furry self-contentment, the cow has everything a person could want out of a

life companion: a self-propagating dispenser of refreshing milk beverages,

hallucinogenic mushrooms growing out of their feces, and gentle, warm brown eyes.

And unlike that creep who dumped you on your birthday, if your cow starts

sleeping around the corral, you can make him into a tasty slab of beef jerky.

Don't let the four stomachs, multiple nipples, and ozone-depleting gas stop you

from missing out on another Saturday night of wet, cow-tongue kisses and cow cud


Smart Drinks--Coffee

Endorsed by MONDO 2000 and other silly cyberpunk publications, SmartDrinks

purport to give you an intellectual booster shot on the weekend, when most of

your friends will be getting slaphappy on DumbDrinks like alcohol. The sad truth

is, however, that at four bucks a pop, most SmartDrinks consist of little more

than colored sugar water with a caffeine chaser. Next time you need a pick-me-

up, skip the local SmartBar and stay at home, where you can get wonderfully

SmartWired on a whole SmartPot of SmartCoffee for around 35 cents.

Weapons--Gerber 2" Pocketknife

Since the advent of weaponry, mankind's most trusted companion has

been the compact knife. Whether gutting that week's catch or scalping

the white man, knives have consistently ensured man's very survival. It

is in this tradition that Gerber brings us its 2-inch knife--a blade as handy

for committing random acts of violence as it is for cutting cellophane

wrappers and whittling sticks. A sturdy ceramic folding blade and

composite handle combine to make this knife tough and lean. The secret

here is that Gerber does not sacrifice utility for comfort: Whether

prone or open, the blade fits comfortably and naturally in your hand,

and a loop in the handle makes it a formidable addition to your

key-ring. Practiced knife-wielders can snap this little number open

with one smooth, single-handed motion. Carry a Gerber 2" pocketknife

with you wherever you go and teach all the disrespecting children in

your neighborhood the lesson of their lives.

Careers that Attract Women--Computer Geek

So you think you're a geek and there's not a honey in the world who'll be

entranced by your tiresome talk about how your RAM just got bigger.

Worry not, friend, for all you need is a little Washington in your

billfold and you'll be mounting more lambs than a Scottish shepherd.

That's right, computer users earn $20,000 a year more than your average

J Crew beefcake, and that's the seed you'll scatter to attract all the

chicks. Sure--all the e-zines are saying that hackers are the new breed

of cool cats: The next generation of hippies is here, and you're one of

its leaders! It's just going to take a little time before the girls

realize what you've got. Remember in high school when you knew that

sophisticated college girls--girls who cared more about brains than

looks--would swoon over you once you reached campus? Well, . . . never