"We're like totally burned-out," departing diplomats report
Since its inception in 1945, the United Nations has stood as a beacon of hope for war-torn and famine-wracked peoples around the world. That hope came to an end on Friday, however, as the entire diplomatic corp stationed at UN headquarters in New York City submitted their two weeks notice of resignation, claiming that they were "pretty bored" and "sick and tired of the long commute." "Saving all those lives and promoting world peace was sort of fun when we got out of college," Employee spokesperson Jennifer Beston stated. "But, like, nobody said we'd be stuck doing this the rest of our lives."
The mass resignation came as no surprise to UN administrators, who point to a series of negotiating setbacks in the former Yugoslavia as the actual cause of the desertion. "Everybody's depressed by the fighting," Secretary General Boutros-Boutros Ghali said. "Who wouldn't be? But is that any reason to quit?" Ghali also indicated that he expected to lure nearly all of the departing staffers back in the next three to six months, or "...as soon as they run out of money."
Most, if not all, of the departing diplomats disagree with Ghali's statement, however, reporting that "the UN sucks" and that they would have quit sooner if Friday hadn't been payday. "When I first came here, I thought we we're going to, like, you know, change the world and shit," United Nations Undersecretary Benjamin Fischer said. "But there's always another war or famine or other depressing stuff going down. What a buzz kill."
Among the other factors cited by departing staffers was low pay, poor morale and complaints that the UN never "got anything done." "See, like we always talked about these really great ideas, but all we ever did was go to meetings, hang out and get stoned," one diplomat reported. "It was fun for a while, but there's only so many times a guy can score with the same Amnesty International babes. Time to grow up and get a real job."
According to print outs of e-mail discovered by reporters, however, the real reason for the mass resignation may have been a cruel insensitivity to the terrible plight of the suffering masses. Collections of jokes ranging from how may Cambodians fit in the ashtray of Pol Pot's new car to how many Ethiopians it takes to perform a common household task were tacked to bulletin boards alongside dart boards bearing the likeness of a pleading Sally Struthers. When confronted with the evidence of the tasteless humor and hard-hearted attitudes, staffers became defensive. "Yeah, and I suppose its my fault that the Serbs killed those Bosnians, too," Undersecretary Fisher huffed. "Lighten up."
Fisher also bristled at the suggestion that he was abandoning his ideals for a chance at a job in banking and affordable suburban housing. "You can't be an activist all your life," Fisher stated, hastening to add that although he has resigned from the UN, he still plans to practice world peace on an individual scale. "Just because I've quit diplomacy doesn't mean I quit caring. Just this morning, I gave a homeless man a quarter."